I am stuck in life, spinning controllably nowhere. Holding on with a white-knuckled grip – one foot in the past and one trying to step toward living for myself. My thoughts, a bundle of high intensity emotions, dictate my decisions. These emotions create a false sense of what my needs are; instilling a fear of change. In an attempt to find my way out of this dark redundant place I must decipher between what is glittery and what is substantial. All that glitters is not golden.
Trauma of loss opened my soul and somehow I became lost. Everything materialistic and every part of the person I was began to fall away. I was left with a shell of a person with barely any belongings; stripped of anything resembling the life I had. My emotions helter skelter began controlling my life. Hastily made decisions, fear of changes, and a death grip on anything and everyone left in my life.
I know I have to acknowledge every emotion coursing through my body so it too can be let go and set me free. So, I finally began listening to myself; decipher which feelings are true to me or which are ego driven and ingrained from past experiences. Because of this all, I am desperate for support and familiarity. The end result threatened me in becoming a person I knew I would never be happy being. I have found my bottom; the cold place filled with fears, insecurities, loneliness, and uncertainties.
It is from this place of shadows I gaze upward looking for glittery splatters of light. I loosen my grip and become comfortable within my shadows. These shadows from my past and beliefs of my present teach me… some things must be let go and others must be looked at from a new angle. It was from this new angle, the bottom looking up, I began to see life is always changing, the slate becomes clean, and new opportunities are always ahead of me – if I just allow the changes.
In this moment of profound clarity I discovered the only people or things I truly need are the ones whose memories bring a tear and a smile. It is in this enlightened awareness, I see that this is ‘the gold that glitters in my life’.