What and who we are is what’s inside; the most interior part of our being. The deepest innermost part constantly changing. We grow as we learn and experience, adding to or letting go of some things. Who I am has changed or is changing at an uncomfortable speed and amount since June 2015. The death of my husband, Pete, was a catalyst to the changes in my life inside and out.
It may sound ridiculous to anyone who hasn’t experienced the loss of someone so much a daily part of your life; A person you expected to be with well into old age or a person your supposed to out live. Changes happen daily but some are on a subliminal level util trauma. I guess this would be relevant for any type of trauma. Your world upsets inside outside whether you want it or not.
It is in the past 19 months that I have actually felt and experienced changes ranging from the mundane , needed, and what the hell. I have experienced disliking things that once brought me peace or joy and the ridiculous (even my taste buds changed). Strange, uncomfortable, faced pace changes I would never have consciously noticed before. All of this has me thinking, sometimes overthinking, about the ‘why’ things happen.
It is in these moments I decided I need to find my true north; the authentic person and purpose which is mine; the unique path I am to take that perhaps I wouldn’t have taken before. This new adventure brought me to a discovery of a Photoshop class at my local community college. I dove in head first in mid 2016, and was very proud of my progress and completion. However, it was a short cycle of happiness in my new found knowledge until February 2017.
My new knowledge was labeled a ‘hobbie’ I had to file away for later while I put all my energy into finding a job. (A job I have not secured as of this writing). In my frustration and feeling of ‘not enough’, I decided to once again find a little peace in what I love. I pulled out my writing and photography in an attempt to make my passions collide by using what I had learned in my class. Well that is not how that worked out! I must have had more fog in my brain than I realized at the time I took the classes. I had only vague memory of the steps I needed to produce the beautifully creative ideas swimming in my mind. Thankfully I had printed each lesson the first go round!!
So now I am redoing the course on my own. As I promised when I started this blog, I am going to share this journey. I believe this is an integral part of my journey out of the ashes into my authentic self. I am not completely sure why, but regardless, the feeling is there and it is worthy of sharing. As a friend said, “it isn’t our age but our miles”, and these have been hard, bumpy miles with boulders and potholes in my path.