Since writing Love’s Saving Grace I have been on kind of hiatus when it comes to writing. I have been overwhelmed by emotion, questions, and analyzing. Basically, I imprisoned myself in my own head. My mind can be an annoying busy place where I lose my way and can’t get out. Getting lost only makes me question myself more. Oh what chaos I have created.
Memories were joyous and saddening. I catapulted myself into questioning the why’s. Why was I now alone, why did this or that happen. I wondered again if they were the reasons I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up😊. Why haven’t I found my way? This in itself reminds me of the rehashing to get to the root of my issues during therapy for anxiety. The hamster wheel is wildly spinning now.
Would writing these traumas from my youth and young adulthood serve to vacate them from my psyche? More questions follow begging to know whether I want to disrupt lives which continued on as if none of it happened and whether I want to go down this pointless road once again. I had forgiven, taking back my power, and moved forward. So, I ask myself why have I chosen to look at them one more time. Why can’t I accept that shit happens and sometimes the reasoning is irrelevant. The circumstance was the catalyst needed to direct me down my path.
In this shortened version of my venting and rambling I have done in my head and in my personal journal I have made a discovery or two. Things happen because they need to even when they seem unfair or merciless. Sometimes it’s a result of everyone having free will and we can’t control the choices they make. What we can control is our choices and they way in which we deal with things. I cannot answer why I have not accomplished what my younger self thought I would. Maybe my journey is about being a deeper better person than that person at age 14 was capable of envisioning.
Being we are each on a unique journey; mine, although different from anyone else’s, is not less important. Mine is a journey of a spiritual nature. I am learning connection to the Divine which is allowing me to learn the true meanings of wealth, abundance, and prosperity on a level surpassing familial teachings. I am not saying I am expected or want to live an impoverished life. I am saying without the experiences, whether good or bad, I would not be here getting stuck in my own head. I would not have had the questions and chaos plotting the course I am on. I would have been on a different course and my legacy would be entirely different. I strive for a legacy that celebrates the person not the things!