Just leaving a note…I have posted under my pages and I revised my site. There are more focused pages specific to the inspired creations. The pages are an expansion of my inspirations. Some days words just flow and other days a photo inspires me. Occasionally, one will inspire the other and passions collide into a composite which includes both [Synergism]! Enjoy!!!
The journey through grief is difficult. There are so many unknowns to navigate through. The unknowns in the first two years seemed to have encompassed the feelings of loneliness, fear, confusion, sadness, depression, and anger. What ensued after that was the not knowing. Not knowing where I was headed, who I was, or what I wanted. I found myself wishing my life didn’t have to be like this. I missed every little thing that was him and all the little ways he touched every little part of my life. All the little things made up and became the greatest parts. When one heart stops beating it ripples an entire world – past, present, and future!
I put my head down and plowed through the best I knew how. I made mistakes, fell down again, got up, dusted off, and continued forward one small step at a time. I found I could do things on my own, but belief in me is still a little shaky at times. The bigger the step the more I shudder. I have even acquired my anxiety back; mostly because I set time constraints and unwavering expectations on goals I want to accomplish or believe I should have accomplished to this point. In some instances, things just did not turn out to be as stable as I anticipated. However, pushing myself onward is the best way I know to stumble forward and discover who I am. If it works, I am grateful and if not, I am learning.
At this time I wanted to have written a piece about our love. I have gotten about half way. The ‘Dedication’ I posted already, but wanted to complete the rest before posting. However, I have found this to be a more difficult task than I originally anticipated. It is filled with a great deal of emotion and a life I am trying to sort out. It was important to me to have completed it in honor of him and his love. His anniversary is coming up this week and I always try to celebrate his life instead of his death on this day.
So new lessons to learn….
Plans change, time is only relevant in the outside world, and creation is divinely orchestrated.
So I guess I will keep writing and take a second look at the anticipated time frame. Maybe a cliffhanger would be a new alternative……
I am fine!
I will live this life on my terms…
I will learn to do what I cannot,
I will enjoy all the little moments,
I will live life to its fullest,
I will never forget the memories or the love,
For each success, big or small,
I will celebrate,
And without regret
I will allow all of these to fill my heart
with gratitude throughout my journey.
In honor and gratitude for the love & strength you bestowed upon me,
The connected parts of our souls will enjoy each breathe I take.
In my heart, whispers in my mind, & part of my soul.
I Am Fine!
My blog was intended to be a documentation of a journey I began four years ago. In the course of that time, the journey has become more of a storm I have to travel through to arrive on the other side. I began by slowly taking very small steps toward somewhere. At first it was all mechanical in nature, but it eventually seemed to be taking shape as a life began to appear. I expressed a sigh of relief as I assumed I had maneuvered through the storm and noticed signs of the shoreline ahead. The assumption, I quickly discovered, was premature as I took a moment to gaze back over the obstacles I had conquered. Although victorious in so many respects, I was about to understand I was standing in the eye of the storm and would soon discover there was more work to be done.
As I wrote for this blog, I unintentionally began to visit old wounds….thoughts, beliefs, and fears. I have begun to realize not only was I burying what I did not want to deal with, but I was inadvertently burying parts of myself as well. I slowly became empty and overwhelmingly full at the same time. I am being tossed and battered by tremendous waves of my own creation.
My chaos evident in the kaleidoscope of ideas I have posted. The topics and forms are quite varied. An eclectic array of all I have been feeling and dealing with in this short time span. Each marked by its own unique beauty in some type of art form. However, I long to be directed by my muse into my own style: to find my unique niche in this world. I am slowly beginning to understand for such a forward movement to take place I need to find all parts of me. Allowing them to become fused and old ideals let go in order to transform me into who I AM. It is evidently necessary that I must become the catalyst of change if I want conquer the stormy seas.
With each turn, the kaleidoscope creates endless depictions of beauty…
I too, like the kaleidoscope, am ever changing;
The next form of beauty is just one turn away.
Beauty is there…
We are never at an ending…
We are always
Even in death we are discovering our wings.