Another Day, Another Chapter

I am awake and nervous for a few reasons. Mainly because I lack confidence at the start line. The nervousness also comes from circumstances in my life right now. My job is to not let the circumstance become the object of my own self sabotage.

I finally embarked on a new job three weeks ago. It was a necessary thing for my own personal well being as well as financial. This job is with a reputable company, but not a position I have ever done or would have looked for under different circumstances. We are in the middle of a pandemic which brings enough anxiety to the table, but this position delves into the telecommunications field in a call center environment. Neither of which were on my resume until now.

The position offers a security many do not have currently. It is a security I lacked prior to any global situation. So, I am moving forward trying to muster all the confidence I know to be true within myself. Looking for my personal truths and realizing you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Yesterday ended with my little dog having issues with her left leg. She too is not as young as she once was! As I fell asleep my mind starts telling me I need to make her issue my main concern while my gut argues my training takes precedence. Although I know she needs to just rest her poor little leg and I’ll have someone check on her part way through the day my fear turns my attention away from my duties. (Insert anxiety) These bantering thoughts mixed in with recollections of the abundance of information I don’t want to forget made for a restless night.

Being aware of the sabotage gives me wisdom and strength to fight off the silly little gremlins chattering away. I must focus my attention inward. I must choose to believe in my abilities. I am excellent at customer service and I know I can learn the technology. For heavens sake, the technology was a constant conversation while my husband worked in this field for years. So why am I questioning my ability to such a job? Because silly little gremlins plant the seeds of doubt and fear. Boy, can I harvest them! So the war wages and I continue my fight for balance. It is another day and another chapter on my journey.

Keep trying and you keep winning. Quitting and giving up is the only form of failure.

Carpe diem!

I hope we all are safe, doing what we can, and enjoying the new day💕

Is Winter Coming To A Close

Dragonfly. Sm2019

I have been on hiatus in so many respects in life for a while now. In my lack of posting we know writing and photography are included. However, life has seemed to stand still in an uncomfortable slumber for the past two years.

Life would move along as it seemed to be changing and awakening. Then things and/or people would fall away again. I wondered if it would ever return to the way it was. My heart was saddened, but kept its hope.

Optimism is not always an easy task. I just take ‘my moment’ before latching onto it again. My mind chatter can be so infuriating as it spews thoughts from ages gone by. It has not learned that all thoughts are not pertinent to life today. Mind chatter wants what is familiar; truths no longer true or valuable. Please listen…I am no longer that person and these thoughts or beliefs no longer concern me.

As a winter storm finally moved across our area the tide changed. It is as if I am in an aligning cycle. The people seem different as they converse with me and I feel different. There is no anticipations in life and communication. It is, it happened, and the day was lighter; maybe even a little brighter. Maybe my long winter season is finally changing.

Whatever the case, I am back to writing and photographing a little. Even in these there are no expectations; just enjoyment. Could that be it? A step back to enjoying life as it is, on its terms.

As you read this post I hope you have an Enjoyable day.

LEGACY

Legacy

Since writing Love’s Saving Grace I have been on kind of hiatus when it comes to writing. I have been overwhelmed by emotion, questions, and analyzing. Basically, I imprisoned myself in my own head. My mind can be an annoying busy place where I lose my way and can’t get out. Getting lost only makes me question myself more. Oh what chaos I have created.

Memories were joyous and saddening. I catapulted myself into questioning the why’s. Why was I now alone, why did this or that happen. I wondered again if they were the reasons I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up😊. Why haven’t I found my way? This in itself reminds me of the rehashing to get to the root of my issues during therapy for anxiety. The hamster wheel is wildly spinning now.

Would writing these traumas from my youth and young adulthood serve to vacate them from my psyche? More questions follow begging to know whether I want to disrupt lives which continued on as if none of it happened and whether I want to go down this pointless road once again. I had forgiven, taking back my power, and moved forward. So, I ask myself why have I chosen to look at them one more time. Why can’t I accept that shit happens and sometimes the reasoning is irrelevant. The circumstance was the catalyst needed to direct me down my path.

In this shortened version of my venting and rambling I have done in my head and in my personal journal I have made a discovery or two. Things happen because they need to even when they seem unfair or merciless. Sometimes it’s a result of everyone having free will and we can’t control the choices they make. What we can control is our choices and they way in which we deal with things. I cannot answer why I have not accomplished what my younger self thought I would. Maybe my journey is about being a deeper better person than that person at age 14 was capable of envisioning.

Being we are each on a unique journey; mine, although different from anyone else’s, is not less important. Mine is a journey of a spiritual nature. I am learning connection to the Divine which is allowing me to learn the true meanings of wealth, abundance, and prosperity on a level surpassing familial teachings. I am not saying I am expected or want to live an impoverished life. I am saying without the experiences, whether good or bad, I would not be here getting stuck in my own head.  I would not have had the questions and chaos plotting the course I am on. I would have been on a different course and my legacy would be entirely different.  I strive for a legacy that celebrates the person not the things!

The Lights Are Dancing

The Lights Are Dancing

Shimmer and dancing

Colors of the rainbow

I see you have not gone far.

Our hearts are heavy

Your presence will be missed

I see you have not gone far.

A woman of patience

Caring and understanding;

Selfless in the way you cared for others,

The memories of you are tribute and legacy.

The smile never seemed to leave your face,

Your hair turned grey with time,

A quiet simple demeanor

With a fire smoldering

Until your strength was called to shine.

Our hearts are heavy

Your presence will be missed,

But I see you have not gone far…

Shimmering and twinkling

Colors of the rainbow

Your light is dancing.

Sm2019

*In Loving memory of a dear friend. RIP Sandy

Excerpts from Life …Love, Loss, and Survival

I am posting a first draft of a story under the “Story Time” tab. It is an excerpt of my life. The love, loss, and survival in living. It is dedicated to a man who changed my world in both entering and exiting my life. It is also dedicated to my children who inspire me and whom I love now and always.

It is the longest piece I have ever attempted to write. The words are written as a legacy to my husband who made my world a better place as he walked with me in love, joy, disappointment, sorrow, trauma, and blessings. Brutal honesty and raw emotion fill the pages telling a story of Love…an imperfectly perfect affair of two hearts.

It’s Wonderful Being Green

A little greenish frog has been sitting at my front door for 48 hours. Alive and well, content to sit there as my puppies and I pass over the threshold at various times throughout the day. It amazed me when I saw him still there this morning, but also has me awestruck as I realized the directions my thoughts went because of one little frog’s visit.

I searched for the spiritual message of meeting up with this little guy. It’s message talked of change and transformation. A message of travelling through the change and following my intuition. And my thoughts wandered back to a prayer from last night. I had always followed ‘my gut’ and asked for trust in it once again. I have ignored it, second guessed it, and forgot it was the whispers from Divine sources recently. And my thoughts took another detour…

This time to a distant memory of a time when I was meeting with a pastor in preparation for my second marriage. His words clear in my mind. They came in response to my answers to some questions laid out like a test from school. He reviewed my answers coming to the conclusion I was just a dreamer. Oh no, my mother’s words echo in the distance. He proceeds to tell me dreaming is okay, however, I cannot live my life in a dream state always following my heart. I defend….not just my heart. He seems not to hear and continues blah, blah, blah!

Suddenly I have a thought….it was sometime directly after that incident; the collaboration of my mother’s words, that I began having anxiety. The anxiety which comes and goes from then to now was believed to be a result of my overthinking and worry. Well this morning I have a new theory! Could it be a result of me stifling my authentic self with opinions created from past experiences. Instead, have the whispers known as intuition become shouts, known as Anxiety, attempting to get my attention? The subconscious mind knowing things are not quite balanced?

An epiphany! This little visitor not only brought me answers within his message, but relief throughout my body. Painful tensions have slowly begun to ease.

Change is inevitable and it must begin with me.

I offer gratitude and pray for peace for my little green friend.