I am still here

I have been silent for a while dealing with life. During that time I wrote a short story in anticipation of entering a contest. However, the powers that be decided I wasn’t to do that right then. The submission did not go through and shredded the story into piecemeal, but I decided it needed to be written and shared regardless.

This is my first attempt at writing a story. The contest wrote the first and last paragraph requiring the writer to write 48 paragraphs to complete the story with no dialogue. I decided to follow the original instructions and post it here.

Once it is posted, I would be grateful to anyone who can offer constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy the story as much as I found pleasure in writing it.

In Your Shoes I Never Walked

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I have walked amongst the shadows alone,

I have had my share of pain and sorrow, loneliness and turmoil;

But I do not understand the darkest places you have been.

 

You always had a smile on your face,

You constantly offered words of wisdom and support,

Laughter and grace filled our conversations,

The sun seemed to be brightly shining in a world of utter darkness.

I didn’t see the hands of darkness grasping at your soul,

In your shoes I never walked…

 

We all have our crosses to bear –

I knew you had some heartache and agony,

But never did I understand your burdens were too heavy to bear.

Rest peaceful and know my heart…

I am sorry dear friend for the wisdom I lacked and your unending distress,

But know –

Your friendship will be sorely missed;

Too soon you’re gone and left a void in your place.

Forever, memories I will cherish til we meet again!

What Do I Know

Resisting without consciously realizing kept me stuck in a crater for three years. I can no longer say a rut because I am consumed by it. The years, though they seem short in terms of memory , are so long in relation to moving forward. Fortunately, my mind is finally finding the thoughts necessary to lift me from this place.

It is not like I haven’t been told by many people during this time period, “Just let go”. Maybe it was the attitude, tone, or lack of understanding. Whatever the reasons, I was stubborn and took offense to these words more times than not. Today, I have begun to realize letting go meant nothing more than to stop resisting the changes that have to happen. At first I thought these changes were an evil attempt to take away the memories and life I once had.

  “But when you lose a loved one, change is going to happen. It is beyond your control and necessary in finding your way. You can no longer be who you were because you were part of something you are no longer part of. So inevitably life changes.”

   I found myself struggling with trying to hold on to what was. I was afraid of all the unknowns I was being unexpectedly cast into. All I knew is I wanted to be part of the something I had. I was not ready to be someone different and alone.

In the beginning my situation dictated giving away a lot  and moving away from the life I had been living. So in answer, I carried so many belongings symbolic of our life and love everywhere I went. I mean I had a white-knuckled death grip on all the material things I packed up to store in an 8X10 storage. This is more silly than you realize, because I had nowhere to take this stuff. However, my mind and heart  knew I had to have it.

…..

It’s  In The Journey

My journey has not been the one I planned growing up. Influences and experiences had taken away the innocence of childhood early on. This altered my beliefs for most of my life. Maybe this endless mind chatter is why I  have had one dream I have not followed through with, but remains the one constantly returning passion in my life.

All else has sprouted and withered in short expanses of time. Some have accused me of being a dreamer with more dream than motivation. I have been referred to as irresponsible, flighty, and indecisive. These accusations may or may not have been true at various moments. However, I have always moved forward in some fashion or another; overcoming obstacles and finding happiness throughout my journey.  It has not been all roses, but in hindsight I realize that each speed bump or sink hole helped me traverse the next set of obstacles.

“This journey I am presently on is probably all his fault.” I caution you not to read into that statement because I don’t look to lie blame here, only gratitude of sorts. Even stating this has taken it’s time in getting from my heart onto paper. It was rose from suffering a lose I didn’t think I was prepared for. I lost my husband, Pete, and remained numb for the first year. Slowly I found myself beginning to feel again. Sometimes too much as every emotion at once would overwhelm me and escape in wrenching  sobs. It was in such moments every part of who I was was released. The past now stares me in the face while the future is a blank.

Consciously I search for truths every moment; forcing myself to draw confidence, awareness, inspiration, beliefs, and self-love from what I know to be true not what I have allowed myself to believe is true. In the negative space I find a person created by outside influences and opinions. In the positive, I find an authentic me; The one that shines for the world to see, not the one who conforms to it. Which wolf will I feed?

Remaining in positive space changes my thoughts. I will think less about outcomes because all is well in the moment. Not obsessing over the small stuff stops the mountain of stress I create for myself. My world shifts and happiness is found within me. Here in this change is where I will find an authentic existence. I have decided this is the one I want to continually feed.

I began this part of my journey questioning everything and criticizing every aspect of who I was until I no longer knew me or the world I found myself in. Memories and pain from my childhood to the present overwhelmed my senses as I remembered the molestation, not fitting in, domestic violence,  being a family’s outcast, and finally the lose of my best friend. In all this, I realized I would never be who I am supposed to be if I allow these things to rule my thoughts and beliefs. So because divine timing took Pete away so early, I now have the chance of finding me and keeping my power.

I discovered everything in life is duality; Yin and yang, 2 sides to every coin, heaven and hell, positive and negative. So I begin by acknowledging both sides of my thinking and my actions. First, I ask myself, “where do I give power away”… I overthink my situation, I cling to outcomes, I fear being lonely for the rest of my life and I criticize my choices. Secondly I ask myself, “what are my successes.” They are found looking at the love I have had, the successful children I have raised, and the strengths it took me to get to today. I know it is not in the details or the why of my experiences that I find answers. They lie in whether I allow them to negatively or positively influence my life from now on.

The lessons of experiencing began before I knew there where lessons to be learned; at the moment I entered the world. I joke about having done things backward and without patience since the day of my birth. I tried to enter this world feet first, and instead was slowed down. I remained in traction for a month with a broken hip as a result of my breach birth. Yes, I am a little hard-headed and have yet to master the art of patience. Alternately, I have allowed some of my experiences to skew my thoughts and bury me under mounds of stress. Now I find myself looking back to the earlier chapters of my life so I can re-write my truth in the upcoming chapters.

Just reaching out….

I have not posted lately. Actually it has been some time since I posted last. I can give excuses, but there is only one that covers it all. I have once again lost myself which locks my creativity away in my soul. As I have stated on my About Page, this is my individual journey. Some days are easy and some are hard. Some being much harder than others. My life is constantly changing lately while at the same time my mind sees a milestone approaching. The changes are all necessary to move forward from the place I was, but it is also a realization of things past and dreams lost. In any case, they have brought about an emotional upheaval and so many questions I need to answer.

My writing has not stopped as it would appear here. It just has become a private endeavor necessary to sort out the frustration within myself. Grief is something I never imagined to be so complex. As soon as I peel away at its layers and think I have it mastered…. I find myself back in the storm. The storms are not always the same nor are all their appearances able to be foretold. What they do have in common is the need for me to sit with the grief – Feel it and accept it as a part of me; resulting from loving someone unconditionally. Time may never take it completely away, but my prospective seems to change while my life and my person also change.

In these changing times I need to explore and discover all that is happening to my mind, heart, and soul. Maybe on the other side of this storm I will find my words to have a greater wisdom. Please be patient, I  will return. Hopefully more peaceful, wiser, and stronger!

Thank you to all of you who follow along.

Creation

 I create every moment in every day. Be it by changing my appearance, my perception, my dreams, or the choosing of longevity of emotions I feel. All of it changes my opinions and beliefs; They are what create my world.

Everything I experience, from the simple to traumatic, may affect my thoughts, opinions and/or beliefs. It is a personal journey. A journey to be enjoyed. It is meant to change me, for there is no other way to gain wisdom. All of this along with my reactions create who I am. And tomorrow who I am will change, maybe ever so slightly, because of yesterday and the dawn of today.