Phantom

I (my thoughts) wander the dark halls of my mind. Gathering emotions from all I have seen or done. Trying as I might to feel the next step, the action I should take. This home is not quite right. No one has come here in so long. The halls are empty and echo the intentions of what I want. The laughter has not returned. Playful fun and dreams are fleeting: Only appearing long enough to keep the embers burning, but never quite igniting into beautiful dancing flame. I meander through- gathering memories of times when I stood full of life, eager to try, and filled with love. A tear touches my heart , never reaching my eye, as I wonder about that woman able to do and see so much. I reach for her and she slips through me like a phantom residing somewhere just beyond this reality. She is there; Elusive and tempting. A smile plays on her lips and a longing dances in her eyes. She too wants to come home reunited with all that was good and all that is waiting to become.

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Where Resides My Heart

It is after conversation I begin to question my moral beliefs and how open my mind can be. The only debate I wish for during this discovery is my own moral compass. Not meaning to be cold or unopen to discussion, but I am only interested in discovering my own deep seated morals at this time. I do not care or wish to consider what others may think as the journey in mine and personal.

I ponder where the heart of mankind resides. It is referenced daily as if it is superficial and simplistic. I do not speak of the organ which pumps blood throughout our bodies, but the more elusive intangible heart – the soul of what any of us are. It is in this place where feelings of extreme emotion like joy, sorrow, love, and dislike reside. From here these emotions are projected the world in which each person lives. We learn and institute our core beliefs from associations with people and experiences in our life from an early age onward. I do not believe any are permanent and they can become outdated by who we have grown to become over time. This is why I would like to look at myself; adjust, adapt, or remain steadfast in moral compass.

Society evolves accepting or rejecting what becomes new knowledge and so must I. The conversation I refer to was of a sexual nature and may not be suitable for those younger or those not ready to venture this road. I have accepted a long time ago that sexual preference is not as black and white as an older generation or religion might believe. It is a matter of love and should not be taken lightly by anyone or any sex. It comes with commitment to working at it and can be a precious gift not everyone has the pleasure of receiving. On this subject I am comfortable with my moral beliefs, but the conversation I had delved into a world I have little knowledge about and no experience in. So listening and researching were my first steps in trying to understand it.

I question what I don’t understand and I asked lots of questions. Parts of the conversation into sexual practices I can say at this time I cannot and do not want to understand because I am uncomfortable enough to continue with my moral compass believing they are more negative than positive. These I do not accept as right nor healthy as my mind sees them. I do however wish to understand what is becoming a norm in society- having many partners without any expectations to commit to each other. Even to the point of having sex with a number of different partners just for the pure pleasure received. Herein lays my debate with my moral compass. Are my beliefs outdated or modern enough for me?

Searching in an attempt to find ‘the one’ resulting in having numerous partners over time is not my chosen path, but I can at least say I understand the theory. That is a journey for each individual and the affairs of their heart. The other side of the coin, where it is simply for gratification seems to be ego based to me. I am not wired to seek personal satisfaction without concern for someone involved in the play. In fairness this is the point where I listened without questions and tried to open my mind to the thoughts the other person.

As it was explained to me, it is an activity void of connection because the two parties have sought this and are in agreement. It is based on consenting adults looking for a good time. Seems innocent enough! Well, at least until I thought about it some more. To me, it is primal in nature and fear based. If this is the only interaction you choose I must wonder why. Is it selfishness, fear, or narcissism?

So back to asking more questions… I discovered this behavior comes in many flavors so to speak. Some have permanent relationships and this choice is an extension beyond it. Others remain solitary and do not require the ‘prince and princess fairytale’. What I am hearing and interpret is a choice to remain unattached on all levels. The reason I am being given is, it’s an easy carefree relationship/association. Yes, I consider a sexual encounter a relationship. It has connected expectations on some level and is not a solo act. There are no responsibilities beyond pleasure of the flesh, no expected dependability to each other, and no sappy emotion to get tangled in. I can see the simplicity and ease of hooking up for a night. But I ask can this be a way of life? My heart – the soul of who I am and what I believe- begs to ask if there is more to life. Isn’t the journey about learning, experiencing, and connecting? Or is it about seeking superficial pleasures without growth, knowledge, or connection? Is it travelling down the easy road where the ego rules and ‘Me’ is the only important person in the world?

Even though scenarios around the subject are numerous, I have only reflected on a certain circumstance and conversation. In respect to that, I would digress to say it is or stems from an unhealthy situation. Ill-health producing more of the same is negative in context and brings more negativity into life. I firmly believe we need more positivity. So in conclusion, I would have to say my moral compass is modern enough and I will remain content to believe in a more monogamous and substantial connection.

Just A Little Hope

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/hopeful/

We hope a little every day about almost everything, it is human to be hopeful….hope for a job, health, wealth, success, love, family, a friend, a home,  etcetera. You get the idea; we as a human race  hope.

Hope is a vehicle that can propel us from one place to another. It can be that which sends us to depression. It is a definition, a perception, and/or a belief. How we act and react determines where hope takes us. We must understand we have a vision for hopes outcome and there are times hope is answered different than our predetermined plan. Our ability to accept the paths we are directed to or adapt with a new choice…a new hope…sends us too new heights or new depths.

So to everyone I HOPE we have minds open enough to accept hope however it takes shape in our lives. Happy New Year!