Never Ending

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We are never at an ending…

We are always

Beginning something,

Learning something,

Dreaming something,

Creating something;

Even in death we are discovering our wings.

                                                                                   ©sm2019

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Journey Onward

Life is an unconscious journey we are on the whole time we are on earth. Yet there are moments, happy or sad, which fling us into a conscious adventure discovering who we really are now. We must ask hard questions of our-self, face our fears, question our core beliefs, and learn to love ourselves once again. Saddle up, hold on to the reigns, and enjoy the ride. This is part of the journey meant for discovery – who, what, where, when, and why.

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A Clock’s Tale

Meditation for me is a loose interpretation of an activity I do to quiet my mind. It is a time when I sit focusing on my breathing while I try to corral my thoughts, barring them from my conscious mind. In the moments when I try to be still, my thoughts run around with the energy of young children whose pleasure is found in pushing to always becoming the center of my focus. Today, I actually held my ground for about ten minutes and that is when I found this place. It was not a happy place nor was it a place of fear. It was….unusual and insightful.

Clocks and time ticking away insistent on time keeping. A constant somewhat bothersome reminder of time marching on. I do not remember a detailed vision of this place, but more a knowing of what existed there. It was neither dark nor light there. I felt at ease when I entered and again when I left. Somewhere in the middle though was the realization that I unconsciously, and somewhat obsessively,  keep track of marching time in my mind. Realization was the open door my thoughts used to pull me away and they interrupted my peace. They began to spin a tale of ‘clock watching’ accompanied by the theory of being ‘not enough’. Abundant self-criticism filled my own mind.

My life in the eyes of my ego expressing the amount of time wasted on intentions without success, the lack of a clear career path, wasted moments living in a dream world, (ugh, even my mother’s words are here) the lack of material things and status, and of course the lack of secured future finances. They take me to feelings of inadequacies……I turn to commanding the barrage to stop. “Enough, just stop!” I turn to breathing through and away from the thoughts, calming myself.

I do not wish to stop thinking, but need a more orderly process so I can acknowledge the place I had been and all this mind chatter. I had a very real sense time was running out of the hour glass; Only to realize I was worried about time which could still take 30 or 40 years to run out. Even though I have seen a little more than 50 years pass by, I was seeing the glass half empty.

As I took control of the thoughts one at a time,  I realized the place I found was an answer to the unexplained anxiety attacks I have occassionally. I was living in a future at the end of my time. An end I have no business knowing about and doesn’t concern me even if its tomorrow. What does concern me is what I do with the in between time; each present moment.

In retrospect, the clock is obsolete in the larger scheme of life. Its only value is in the societal world of schedules and marked passages. Life is not the ticking of time. It’s a measure of experiences… teaching, maturing, loving, and transforming a soul.

Ten minutes of silence transports the soul and occassionally a story is told…..a clock’s tale teaching me I must stop listening to the tick of time to be the best me in this moment.

 

 

What’s  Inside Outside

 

What and who we are is what’s inside; the most interior part of our being. The deepest innermost part  constantly changing. We grow as we learn and experience, adding to or letting go of some things. Who I am has changed or is changing at an uncomfortable speed and amount since June 2015. The death of my husband, Pete, was a catalyst to the changes in my  life inside and out.

It may sound ridiculous to anyone who hasn’t experienced the loss of someone so much a daily part of your life; A person you expected to be with well into old age or a person your supposed to out live. Changes happen daily but some are on a subliminal level util trauma. I guess this would be relevant for any type of trauma. Your world upsets inside outside whether you want it or not.

It is in the past 19 months that I have actually felt and experienced changes ranging from the mundane , needed, and what the hell. I have experienced disliking things that once brought me peace or joy and the ridiculous (even my taste buds changed).  Strange, uncomfortable, faced pace changes I would never have consciously noticed before. All of this has me thinking, sometimes overthinking, about the ‘why’ things happen.

It is in these moments I decided I need to find my true north; the authentic person and purpose which is mine; the unique path I am to take that perhaps I wouldn’t have taken before. This new adventure brought me to a discovery of a Photoshop class at my local community college. I dove in head first in  mid 2016, and was very proud of my progress and completion. However, it was a short cycle of happiness in my new found knowledge until February 2017.

My new knowledge was labeled a ‘hobbie’ I had to file away for later while I put all my energy into finding a job. (A job I have not secured as of this writing). In my frustration and feeling of ‘not enough’, I decided to once again find a little peace in what I love. I pulled out my writing and photography in an attempt to make my passions collide by using what I had learned in my class. Well that is not how that worked out! I must have had more fog in my brain than I realized at the time I took the classes. I had only vague memory of the steps I needed to produce the beautifully creative ideas swimming in my mind. Thankfully I had printed each lesson the first go round!!

So now I am redoing the course on my own. As I promised when I started this blog, I am going to share this journey. I believe this is an integral part of my journey out of the ashes into my authentic self. I am not completely sure why, but regardless, the feeling is there and it is worthy of sharing. As a friend said, “it isn’t our age but our miles”, and these have been hard, bumpy miles with boulders and potholes in my path.

 

 

A Standing Ovation…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/ovation/

All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, ” – William Shakespeare

The tragedies and the comedies enter or exit our lives, changing the part we are playing at any given moment. There are times we are a rising star, perhaps a supporting player, or maybe a victim. No matter, we are constantly part of endings and beginnings until we have played all the parts we are meant to achieve. Our walk of fame comes each time we rise, fall, and rise.

It is not so much about the status of parts as it is the grace with which we endure them. Did we find courage, strength, love, passion, character, and essence? If so, we know we gave our best and played the parts with excellence and success. From the depths we hear the ovations resonating in the peace and elation of our soul. Step up, be proud, and take your bow….it is a Standing Ovation.