Phantom

I (my thoughts) wander the dark halls of my mind. Gathering emotions from all I have seen or done. Trying as I might to feel the next step, the action I should take. This home is not quite right. No one has come here in so long. The halls are empty and echo the intentions of what I want. The laughter has not returned. Playful fun and dreams are fleeting: Only appearing long enough to keep the embers burning, but never quite igniting into beautiful dancing flame. I meander through- gathering memories of times when I stood full of life, eager to try, and filled with love. A tear touches my heart , never reaching my eye, as I wonder about that woman able to do and see so much. I reach for her and she slips through me like a phantom residing somewhere just beyond this reality. She is there; Elusive and tempting. A smile plays on her lips and a longing dances in her eyes. She too wants to come home reunited with all that was good and all that is waiting to become.

Kaleidoscope

 

fb_img_15476579609146347767327106600996.jpgMy blog was intended to be a documentation of a journey I began four years ago. In the course of that time, the journey has become more of a storm I have to travel through to arrive on the other side. I began by slowly taking very small steps toward somewhere. At first it was all mechanical in nature, but it eventually seemed to be taking shape as a life began to appear. I expressed a sigh of relief as I assumed I had maneuvered through the storm and noticed signs of the shoreline ahead. The assumption, I quickly discovered, was premature as I took a moment to gaze back over the obstacles I had conquered. Although victorious in so many respects, I was about to understand I was standing in the eye of the storm and would soon discover there was more work to be done.

As I wrote for this blog, I unintentionally began to visit old wounds….thoughts, beliefs, and fears. I have begun to realize not only was I burying what I did not want to deal with, but I was inadvertently burying parts of myself as well. I slowly became empty and overwhelmingly full at the same time. I am being tossed and battered by tremendous waves of my own creation.

My chaos evident in the kaleidoscope of ideas I have posted. The topics and forms are quite varied. An eclectic array of all I have been feeling and dealing with in this short time span. Each marked by its own unique beauty in some type of art form. However, I long to be directed by my muse into my own style: to find my unique niche in this world. I am slowly beginning to understand for such a forward movement to take place I need to find all parts of me. Allowing them to become fused and old ideals let go in order to transform me into who I AM. It is evidently necessary that I must become the catalyst of change if I want conquer the stormy seas.

kaleidoscope

With each turn, the kaleidoscope creates endless depictions of beauty…

I too, like the kaleidoscope, am ever changing;

The next form of beauty is just one turn away.

                                                                                                               ©sm2019

It’s  In The Journey

My journey has not been the one I planned growing up. Influences and experiences had taken away the innocence of childhood early on. This altered my beliefs for most of my life. Maybe this endless mind chatter is why I  have had one dream I have not followed through with, but remains the one constantly returning passion in my life.

All else has sprouted and withered in short expanses of time. Some have accused me of being a dreamer with more dream than motivation. I have been referred to as irresponsible, flighty, and indecisive. These accusations may or may not have been true at various moments. However, I have always moved forward in some fashion or another; overcoming obstacles and finding happiness throughout my journey.  It has not been all roses, but in hindsight I realize that each speed bump or sink hole helped me traverse the next set of obstacles.

“This journey I am presently on is probably all his fault.” I caution you not to read into that statement because I don’t look to lie blame here, only gratitude of sorts. Even stating this has taken it’s time in getting from my heart onto paper. It was rose from suffering a lose I didn’t think I was prepared for. I lost my husband, Pete, and remained numb for the first year. Slowly I found myself beginning to feel again. Sometimes too much as every emotion at once would overwhelm me and escape in wrenching  sobs. It was in such moments every part of who I was was released. The past now stares me in the face while the future is a blank.

Consciously I search for truths every moment; forcing myself to draw confidence, awareness, inspiration, beliefs, and self-love from what I know to be true not what I have allowed myself to believe is true. In the negative space I find a person created by outside influences and opinions. In the positive, I find an authentic me; The one that shines for the world to see, not the one who conforms to it. Which wolf will I feed?

Remaining in positive space changes my thoughts. I will think less about outcomes because all is well in the moment. Not obsessing over the small stuff stops the mountain of stress I create for myself. My world shifts and happiness is found within me. Here in this change is where I will find an authentic existence. I have decided this is the one I want to continually feed.

I began this part of my journey questioning everything and criticizing every aspect of who I was until I no longer knew me or the world I found myself in. Memories and pain from my childhood to the present overwhelmed my senses as I remembered the molestation, not fitting in, domestic violence,  being a family’s outcast, and finally the lose of my best friend. In all this, I realized I would never be who I am supposed to be if I allow these things to rule my thoughts and beliefs. So because divine timing took Pete away so early, I now have the chance of finding me and keeping my power.

I discovered everything in life is duality; Yin and yang, 2 sides to every coin, heaven and hell, positive and negative. So I begin by acknowledging both sides of my thinking and my actions. First, I ask myself, “where do I give power away”… I overthink my situation, I cling to outcomes, I fear being lonely for the rest of my life and I criticize my choices. Secondly I ask myself, “what are my successes.” They are found looking at the love I have had, the successful children I have raised, and the strengths it took me to get to today. I know it is not in the details or the why of my experiences that I find answers. They lie in whether I allow them to negatively or positively influence my life from now on.

The lessons of experiencing began before I knew there where lessons to be learned; at the moment I entered the world. I joke about having done things backward and without patience since the day of my birth. I tried to enter this world feet first, and instead was slowed down. I remained in traction for a month with a broken hip as a result of my breach birth. Yes, I am a little hard-headed and have yet to master the art of patience. Alternately, I have allowed some of my experiences to skew my thoughts and bury me under mounds of stress. Now I find myself looking back to the earlier chapters of my life so I can re-write my truth in the upcoming chapters.

A Standing Ovation…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/ovation/

All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, ” – William Shakespeare

The tragedies and the comedies enter or exit our lives, changing the part we are playing at any given moment. There are times we are a rising star, perhaps a supporting player, or maybe a victim. No matter, we are constantly part of endings and beginnings until we have played all the parts we are meant to achieve. Our walk of fame comes each time we rise, fall, and rise.

It is not so much about the status of parts as it is the grace with which we endure them. Did we find courage, strength, love, passion, character, and essence? If so, we know we gave our best and played the parts with excellence and success. From the depths we hear the ovations resonating in the peace and elation of our soul. Step up, be proud, and take your bow….it is a Standing Ovation.

Believe The Imagination

Change is an endless flow of ending and beginning; Imagination fuels everything in between.

If you imagine — you can be something, you can do something, and hold onto that belief; the soul will open up allowing you to soar to limitless possibilities. If in the minds eye we envision positive things about ourselves and forever believe it to be true, we gain a mystical power against everything in life which could break us down.