Just Surrender Already

Sometimes we land in an unfamiliar undesired territory. It is where we are and the choices, although ours, seem somewhat coerced from sources unseen. During these times we must surrender to what is and let go of what is desired.

I am here; Grateful in our new normal to have a job and a home. I am having difficulty though letting go of my vision of what I desired. My old job was not surviving the new situation with COVID. It was time to make changes. Changes I made with prayers to bring me to a good outcome. And today I am here.

Now accepting that the universe knows what it is doing is a difficult matter for me on a few levels. I am now out in a workforce surrounded, with distance, to people. I am also working hours in a job I never would have chosen when given choices. But nonetheless I have found myself in this place with those little whispers of dreams still dancing inside. It is making acceptance difficult to say the least.

Letting go is an idea I am getting an education on. The lessons are painful in varying degrees. If I would just allow the lesson maybe moving forward would come more gracefully. I am however hard headed or slow at times. Maybe even a little controlling one would say! These characteristics can be very helpful in some circumstances, but at the present moment they inflict undue stress and confusion. Knowledge is wonderful until my mind rebuttals, But!

I am fully aware with the knowledge of who I am and how I am reacting. So why do I keep ending up back at resistance. Anything less than surrender will keep my mind spinning in this cycle. As I write I know, “I know”.  And yet….

….Writing is where I go when I need my thoughts organized and not running amok in my mind. And today, once again, it holds the answers I seek. ‘Grateful’ cannot be a fleeting thought that gets swallowed up by all the contradicting thoughts in there. It must be a solid feeling, regardless of everything else.

So to me I say, “think heavily on this concept and find your way to really being grateful. Just surrender already!”

Universal Uplift

Heart to Heart…We are all in this Together!

An early morning walk; just me and my dog. It is our time ~ I enjoy the calm as I take in the sights and sounds of nature while she “reads her daily news”. ( a neighbor coined this term to describe a dog’s smelling, sniffing, business making routine of deciphering what, when, how, why and who had been about since the last out) Just like my dog I try to see, feel, and hear what is around me. The signs and signals nature gives if we just stay in the moment and pay attention.

This morning it definitely had a message. I have seen posts about people putting up hearts (A World of Hearts) to signify that we are all in this together, our hope, and our appreciation for those on the front lines. We have all become aware of our neighbors and family near or far as we endure this pandemic. There is no escaping the news as all of us have our routines turned upside down and some are personally suffering its grip. But this morning the message came in hearts…..even the universe is partaking in the message!

A message of hope and love; Of thoughts reaching out to everyone no matter the color, creed, or citizenship.

WE are all in this together and this too shall pass.

 

Individually Unique, Collectively the Same

I am warning that I am not writing any of this lightly or without vigilance. None of the thoughts contained within this post are anything, but uniquely mine.

I deal with this whole situation with the same tenacity I do anything else in life. I like to ask questions and do not take what I hear or see as absolute without them. I am also trying not to be led by the fears. Whether it’s the scariness of this virus, the highly infected areas that my children live in, the uncertainties in which we are all living, the increased aloneness I am feeling, or the memories I sit with in the quiet. I pray for those I know and all those I do not. It is a crazy changing world right now. It has shown us both sides of human nature, although I believe more good than bad.

As I sat on my porch enjoying nature, warmth, and the fact that I and my family are healthy as of today; I notice little things….birds coming right up to the porch to gather seed off the ground, the beautiful melody of my chimes accompanying the bird songs, the simple love of my little dog cuddled in my lap, and the coziness of my spaces. I am grateful amidst the scariness.

A thought; -one I hope evolves into more but for now was enough- I wish we would all see and understand for all our uniqueness we are all the same. Not race, color, creed, nationality, religion, sex or age has made any person better or immune to the virus.

It would be wonderful if we could understand, beyond all the things making us different we are all the same. The essence of being human makes us connected by a sameness. Maybe in this realization we can come out the other side better, more supportive, and more connected.

Praying for the entire world…Health, wisdom, and togetherness! 🙏🙏🙏💕

LEGACY

Legacy

Since writing Love’s Saving Grace I have been on kind of hiatus when it comes to writing. I have been overwhelmed by emotion, questions, and analyzing. Basically, I imprisoned myself in my own head. My mind can be an annoying busy place where I lose my way and can’t get out. Getting lost only makes me question myself more. Oh what chaos I have created.

Memories were joyous and saddening. I catapulted myself into questioning the why’s. Why was I now alone, why did this or that happen. I wondered again if they were the reasons I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up😊. Why haven’t I found my way? This in itself reminds me of the rehashing to get to the root of my issues during therapy for anxiety. The hamster wheel is wildly spinning now.

Would writing these traumas from my youth and young adulthood serve to vacate them from my psyche? More questions follow begging to know whether I want to disrupt lives which continued on as if none of it happened and whether I want to go down this pointless road once again. I had forgiven, taking back my power, and moved forward. So, I ask myself why have I chosen to look at them one more time. Why can’t I accept that shit happens and sometimes the reasoning is irrelevant. The circumstance was the catalyst needed to direct me down my path.

In this shortened version of my venting and rambling I have done in my head and in my personal journal I have made a discovery or two. Things happen because they need to even when they seem unfair or merciless. Sometimes it’s a result of everyone having free will and we can’t control the choices they make. What we can control is our choices and they way in which we deal with things. I cannot answer why I have not accomplished what my younger self thought I would. Maybe my journey is about being a deeper better person than that person at age 14 was capable of envisioning.

Being we are each on a unique journey; mine, although different from anyone else’s, is not less important. Mine is a journey of a spiritual nature. I am learning connection to the Divine which is allowing me to learn the true meanings of wealth, abundance, and prosperity on a level surpassing familial teachings. I am not saying I am expected or want to live an impoverished life. I am saying without the experiences, whether good or bad, I would not be here getting stuck in my own head.  I would not have had the questions and chaos plotting the course I am on. I would have been on a different course and my legacy would be entirely different.  I strive for a legacy that celebrates the person not the things!

Go Into The Night By Your Guiding Light

In the dark recesses of the mind are the answers and confusions. The truths hidden in the darkest shadows where life struggles to shine, whereas the confusions have light cast upon them readily available to be brought forth as truth in disguise. Our truths have been buried by words and experiences throughout our lives. We tend to see the light on the easiest path to attain; by being agreeable and malleable to what others say, what others expect, and the consequences of how we handle situations because of these.

It is our job to be sure we see the real truths and not those disguises. To question what we know in the silent moments of the night; a time when it is just ourselves and the world is sleeping. Search… search for you, let the light of your soul show you the truths and quiet the ego.

Where Resides My Heart

It is after conversation I begin to question my moral beliefs and how open my mind can be. The only debate I wish for during this discovery is my own moral compass. Not meaning to be cold or unopen to discussion, but I am only interested in discovering my own deep seated morals at this time. I do not care or wish to consider what others may think as the journey in mine and personal.

I ponder where the heart of mankind resides. It is referenced daily as if it is superficial and simplistic. I do not speak of the organ which pumps blood throughout our bodies, but the more elusive intangible heart – the soul of what any of us are. It is in this place where feelings of extreme emotion like joy, sorrow, love, and dislike reside. From here these emotions are projected the world in which each person lives. We learn and institute our core beliefs from associations with people and experiences in our life from an early age onward. I do not believe any are permanent and they can become outdated by who we have grown to become over time. This is why I would like to look at myself; adjust, adapt, or remain steadfast in moral compass.

Society evolves accepting or rejecting what becomes new knowledge and so must I. The conversation I refer to was of a sexual nature and may not be suitable for those younger or those not ready to venture this road. I have accepted a long time ago that sexual preference is not as black and white as an older generation or religion might believe. It is a matter of love and should not be taken lightly by anyone or any sex. It comes with commitment to working at it and can be a precious gift not everyone has the pleasure of receiving. On this subject I am comfortable with my moral beliefs, but the conversation I had delved into a world I have little knowledge about and no experience in. So listening and researching were my first steps in trying to understand it.

I question what I don’t understand and I asked lots of questions. Parts of the conversation into sexual practices I can say at this time I cannot and do not want to understand because I am uncomfortable enough to continue with my moral compass believing they are more negative than positive. These I do not accept as right nor healthy as my mind sees them. I do however wish to understand what is becoming a norm in society- having many partners without any expectations to commit to each other. Even to the point of having sex with a number of different partners just for the pure pleasure received. Herein lays my debate with my moral compass. Are my beliefs outdated or modern enough for me?

Searching in an attempt to find ‘the one’ resulting in having numerous partners over time is not my chosen path, but I can at least say I understand the theory. That is a journey for each individual and the affairs of their heart. The other side of the coin, where it is simply for gratification seems to be ego based to me. I am not wired to seek personal satisfaction without concern for someone involved in the play. In fairness this is the point where I listened without questions and tried to open my mind to the thoughts the other person.

As it was explained to me, it is an activity void of connection because the two parties have sought this and are in agreement. It is based on consenting adults looking for a good time. Seems innocent enough! Well, at least until I thought about it some more. To me, it is primal in nature and fear based. If this is the only interaction you choose I must wonder why. Is it selfishness, fear, or narcissism?

So back to asking more questions… I discovered this behavior comes in many flavors so to speak. Some have permanent relationships and this choice is an extension beyond it. Others remain solitary and do not require the ‘prince and princess fairytale’. What I am hearing and interpret is a choice to remain unattached on all levels. The reason I am being given is, it’s an easy carefree relationship/association. Yes, I consider a sexual encounter a relationship. It has connected expectations on some level and is not a solo act. There are no responsibilities beyond pleasure of the flesh, no expected dependability to each other, and no sappy emotion to get tangled in. I can see the simplicity and ease of hooking up for a night. But I ask can this be a way of life? My heart – the soul of who I am and what I believe- begs to ask if there is more to life. Isn’t the journey about learning, experiencing, and connecting? Or is it about seeking superficial pleasures without growth, knowledge, or connection? Is it travelling down the easy road where the ego rules and ‘Me’ is the only important person in the world?

Even though scenarios around the subject are numerous, I have only reflected on a certain circumstance and conversation. In respect to that, I would digress to say it is or stems from an unhealthy situation. Ill-health producing more of the same is negative in context and brings more negativity into life. I firmly believe we need more positivity. So in conclusion, I would have to say my moral compass is modern enough and I will remain content to believe in a more monogamous and substantial connection.

Walk Out of the Shadows

You have walls, masks, and attitude…
You are strong but are weak,

You protect but are vulnerable,

You love but withhold,

You are courageous but fear.

All of you is a contradiction as you hide behind your shadow.
You…

Don a mask so no eyes can see,

Become the comic relief making everyone else smile,

Act belligerent to keep any seriousness away.

You built your walls tall and impenetrable,

Surrounded by a mote of sorrow and pain,

Inside elixirs magically stop the torment,

Outside no sees the strength each breathe takes.

What darkness do you see?
What fears do you deny?

Why don’t you see the love we return?

Why can’t you see what we see…

Without you our world would become empty,

Our days would grow dark.

Speak for we will listen,

Reach out your hand and we will hold it,

Tear down your walls and together we will be amazed…

Walk out of the Shadows

Embrace your unique light.

Devastation

This prose comes at a time when mother nature wreaked havoc across the southern part of the nation. Winter storms albeit not so much of a wintery mixture, but those we usually attribute to spring storms, brought destruction to many states as rain, winds, and tornadoes left devastation and trauma in their wake. What is intriguing and disturbing is mother nature coinciding with human nature.

We are beginning a new year, inaugurated a new President, and endured a series of weather events which give rise to humanity’s glory. Yet in the midst of all of these monumental events, people disparaged all humanity stands for. Have we not discovered what rage creates?

Mother nature cleaned her house with a mighty force leaving a path of destruction. Her rage, however, creates a camaraderie between our fellow man. And at the same moments, we the people decide the best way to make our voice heard is to destroy with the same force of destruction, one against the other. Amazingly nature’s destruction demands us to rebuild and find strength in each other. While our personal form of destruction brings a divide among people weakening humanity.

A whisper is always heard louder than yelling. [We strain to hear a whisper so as to not miss something]  Isn’t that the way our voices should speak? If many people whispered together wouldn’t it become a loud voice? Humanity would strengthen in number and people would stop judging a book by its cover causing human devastation.

{I must interject that I do not want a political argument.  This is meant to be a debate on humanity. My political opinion is one where I couldn’t make a clear choice between constituents.}

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/devastation/

All That Glitters …

I am stuck in life, spinning controllably nowhere. Holding on with a white-knuckled grip – one foot in the past and one trying to step toward living for myself. My thoughts, a bundle of high intensity emotions, dictate my decisions. These emotions create a false sense of what my needs are; instilling a fear of change. In an attempt to find my way out of this dark redundant place I must decipher between what is glittery and what is substantial. All that glitters is not golden.
Trauma of loss opened my soul and somehow I became lost. Everything materialistic and every part of the person I was began to fall away. I was left with a shell of a person with barely any belongings; stripped of anything resembling the life I had. My emotions helter skelter began controlling my life. Hastily made decisions, fear of changes, and a death grip on anything and everyone left in my life.

I know I have to acknowledge every emotion coursing through my body so it too can be let go and set me free. So, I finally began listening to myself; decipher which feelings are true to me or which are ego driven and  ingrained from past experiences. Because of this all, I am desperate for support and familiarity. The end result threatened me in becoming a person I knew I would never be happy being. I have found my bottom; the cold place filled with fears, insecurities, loneliness, and uncertainties.

It is from this place of shadows I gaze upward looking for glittery splatters of light. I loosen my grip and become comfortable within my shadows. These shadows from my past and beliefs of my present teach me… some things must be let go and others must be looked at from a new angle. It was from this new angle, the bottom looking up, I began to see life is always changing, the slate becomes clean, and new opportunities are always ahead of me – if I just allow the changes.

In this moment of profound clarity I discovered the only people or things I truly need are the ones whose memories bring a tear and a smile. It is in this enlightened awareness, I see that this is ‘the gold that glitters in my life’.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/glitter/