Never Ending

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We are never at an ending…

We are always

Beginning something,

Learning something,

Dreaming something,

Creating something;

Even in death we are discovering our wings.

                                                                                   ©sm2019

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In Your Shoes I Never Walked

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I have walked amongst the shadows alone,

I have had my share of pain and sorrow, loneliness and turmoil;

But I do not understand the darkest places you have been.

 

You always had a smile on your face,

You constantly offered words of wisdom and support,

Laughter and grace filled our conversations,

The sun seemed to be brightly shining in a world of utter darkness.

I didn’t see the hands of darkness grasping at your soul,

In your shoes I never walked…

 

We all have our crosses to bear –

I knew you had some heartache and agony,

But never did I understand your burdens were too heavy to bear.

Rest peaceful and know my heart…

I am sorry dear friend for the wisdom I lacked and your unending distress,

But know –

Your friendship will be sorely missed;

Too soon you’re gone and left a void in your place.

Forever, memories I will cherish til we meet again!

Walk Out of the Shadows

You have walls, masks, and attitude…
You are strong but are weak,

You protect but are vulnerable,

You love but withhold,

You are courageous but fear.

All of you is a contradiction as you hide behind your shadow.
You…

Don a mask so no eyes can see,

Become the comic relief making everyone else smile,

Act belligerent to keep any seriousness away.

You built your walls tall and impenetrable,

Surrounded by a mote of sorrow and pain,

Inside elixirs magically stop the torment,

Outside no sees the strength each breathe takes.

What darkness do you see?
What fears do you deny?

Why don’t you see the love we return?

Why can’t you see what we see…

Without you our world would become empty,

Our days would grow dark.

Speak for we will listen,

Reach out your hand and we will hold it,

Tear down your walls and together we will be amazed…

Walk out of the Shadows

Embrace your unique light.

Nowhere

To know you belong nowhere you have been and not where you are is an oddly scary feeling. Wanderlust has been my driving force in the past year. It has not offered any answers or exotic destinations though; Just a walk backward over the places I have been in the past 14 years, a subconscious effort to find what I have lost.

What I have lost is materialistic, emotional, and so much more. I am not entirely sure if I subconsciously  search for myself, my lost loved one, my spiritual beliefs, or a combination of it all. What I do know, is I hope to find what I search for and come out on the other side of the chaos whole. My path to wholeness is filled with a desire to question life, it’s reasoning, and my purpose. What else is there when your world crashes and your heart shatters into a million pieces a little over a year ago? For me,  it’s still a wanderlust… Trying to find my way out of belonging nowhere.

 

Invisibility – My Super Power

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The realization of this power I created came when I was told,”You are 50-something and lost who you are somewhere. You forgot what you like or want.”  This statement hit me like a punch to the face.”I know who I am!!!” Don’t I?

So I reflect:

I have been labeled wife, mother, friend, photographer, and writer amongst other fleeting titles. Lately, I have been labelled ‘tiring’ at best. None have gained me fame and/or fortune. However, they did allow me to learn from the duality inevitable in life. All the memories, people, and experiences continually give me the chance to learn happiness/sadness, love/longing, family/loss, birth/death, and gratefulness/criticism. I am like anyone else, resenting for a time when things go wrong or I have to suffer. However, if I am to be completely honest, I did learn, grow, and become stronger. And once I am through each situation good or bad I have no regrets about my life. Well except after such I statement…it caused me to reflect and maybe have some doubts about my acceptances in life.

Life lived in the shadows was never how I intended myself to be. Yet, from where I stand now my perception may be changing. I am not saying that I regret decisions of putting my family and friends’ needs above my own because I do not. I accepted and rather enjoyed taking care of others over the years. I do think maybe I should have had more balance between their care and self care.

But I question:

A person commented recently ‘how much more I did for so and so than I did for them at the same sort of event’…well are you not able to see that your event took place two months after my spouse’s death as opposed to the fourteenth month mark now upon me?  Why must I always initiate contact to be noticed? Why is it so difficult for others to realize I may need a hand to hold as I venture into doing things whether they are new or old? I understand the discomfort my tears can cause. Doesn’t a true friend accept a little discomfort and cry with a friend? I may need patience but so do you. This is a strange new world I am standing in, regardless whether you think it is the same old one.

And the results:

Recent circumstances have me requiring the need for support and comfort from others. In fairness, I must stop here to explain, I remain forever grateful to those people who have been present in assisting me with basic needs, wandering arrangements, and financial assistance. At the present moment however, I require something more. More than “It will get better or you must get over it”.

Invisibility…Maybe it is a super power after all. It has taught me about balance and the need for self first. Who says you cannot teach an old dog new tricks? I am here to tell you to learn the importance of balancing others’ needs with those of your own early in life early because teaching that old dog requires a lot more effort than the young pup.