Go Into The Night By Your Guiding Light

In the dark recesses of the mind are the answers and confusions. The truths hidden in the darkest shadows where life struggles to shine, whereas the confusions have light cast upon them readily available to be brought forth as truth in disguise. Our truths have been buried by words and experiences throughout our lives. We tend to see the light on the easiest path to attain; by being agreeable and malleable to what others say, what others expect, and the consequences of how we handle situations because of these.

It is our job to be sure we see the real truths and not those disguises. To question what we know in the silent moments of the night; a time when it is just ourselves and the world is sleeping. Search… search for you, let the light of your soul show you the truths and quiet the ego.

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A Clock’s Tale

Meditation for me is a loose interpretation of an activity I do to quiet my mind. It is a time when I sit focusing on my breathing while I try to corral my thoughts, barring them from my conscious mind. In the moments when I try to be still, my thoughts run around with the energy of young children whose pleasure is found in pushing to always becoming the center of my focus. Today, I actually held my ground for about ten minutes and that is when I found this place. It was not a happy place nor was it a place of fear. It was….unusual and insightful.

Clocks and time ticking away insistent on time keeping. A constant somewhat bothersome reminder of time marching on. I do not remember a detailed vision of this place, but more a knowing of what existed there. It was neither dark nor light there. I felt at ease when I entered and again when I left. Somewhere in the middle though was the realization that I unconsciously, and somewhat obsessively,  keep track of marching time in my mind. Realization was the open door my thoughts used to pull me away and they interrupted my peace. They began to spin a tale of ‘clock watching’ accompanied by the theory of being ‘not enough’. Abundant self-criticism filled my own mind.

My life in the eyes of my ego expressing the amount of time wasted on intentions without success, the lack of a clear career path, wasted moments living in a dream world, (ugh, even my mother’s words are here) the lack of material things and status, and of course the lack of secured future finances. They take me to feelings of inadequacies……I turn to commanding the barrage to stop. “Enough, just stop!” I turn to breathing through and away from the thoughts, calming myself.

I do not wish to stop thinking, but need a more orderly process so I can acknowledge the place I had been and all this mind chatter. I had a very real sense time was running out of the hour glass; Only to realize I was worried about time which could still take 30 or 40 years to run out. Even though I have seen a little more than 50 years pass by, I was seeing the glass half empty.

As I took control of the thoughts one at a time,  I realized the place I found was an answer to the unexplained anxiety attacks I have occassionally. I was living in a future at the end of my time. An end I have no business knowing about and doesn’t concern me even if its tomorrow. What does concern me is what I do with the in between time; each present moment.

In retrospect, the clock is obsolete in the larger scheme of life. Its only value is in the societal world of schedules and marked passages. Life is not the ticking of time. It’s a measure of experiences… teaching, maturing, loving, and transforming a soul.

Ten minutes of silence transports the soul and occassionally a story is told…..a clock’s tale teaching me I must stop listening to the tick of time to be the best me in this moment.

 

 

Questioning the Purpose

“It’s not that God doesn’t give us more than we can bear, we face the unbearable everyday, but he gives us a way to face anything.” – Pastor Jimmy
Standing amidst my chaos I question why. Maybe I am finding myself alone by Divine choice. A time to allow me to know me. How can I move forward if I carry the baggage from the past and constantly worry about the future? Carrying such burdens keeps me from seeing what is present in each moment. I am constantly fighting to balance and gain sure-footed-ness, missing the opportunities and answers in front of me. It is time to sit quietly alone and review my thoughts, opinions, and beliefs; To rewrite what is ego and/or false in my present world. Thence, I can move forward in a new transformation of me…the me that will fulfill a Divine purpose for this time in my life.