Just Surrender Already

Sometimes we land in an unfamiliar undesired territory. It is where we are and the choices, although ours, seem somewhat coerced from sources unseen. During these times we must surrender to what is and let go of what is desired.

I am here; Grateful in our new normal to have a job and a home. I am having difficulty though letting go of my vision of what I desired. My old job was not surviving the new situation with COVID. It was time to make changes. Changes I made with prayers to bring me to a good outcome. And today I am here.

Now accepting that the universe knows what it is doing is a difficult matter for me on a few levels. I am now out in a workforce surrounded, with distance, to people. I am also working hours in a job I never would have chosen when given choices. But nonetheless I have found myself in this place with those little whispers of dreams still dancing inside. It is making acceptance difficult to say the least.

Letting go is an idea I am getting an education on. The lessons are painful in varying degrees. If I would just allow the lesson maybe moving forward would come more gracefully. I am however hard headed or slow at times. Maybe even a little controlling one would say! These characteristics can be very helpful in some circumstances, but at the present moment they inflict undue stress and confusion. Knowledge is wonderful until my mind rebuttals, But!

I am fully aware with the knowledge of who I am and how I am reacting. So why do I keep ending up back at resistance. Anything less than surrender will keep my mind spinning in this cycle. As I write I know, “I know”.  And yet….

….Writing is where I go when I need my thoughts organized and not running amok in my mind. And today, once again, it holds the answers I seek. ‘Grateful’ cannot be a fleeting thought that gets swallowed up by all the contradicting thoughts in there. It must be a solid feeling, regardless of everything else.

So to me I say, “think heavily on this concept and find your way to really being grateful. Just surrender already!”

What Do I Know

Resisting without consciously realizing kept me stuck in a crater for three years. I can no longer say a rut because I am consumed by it. The years, though they seem short in terms of memory , are so long in relation to moving forward. Fortunately, my mind is finally finding the thoughts necessary to lift me from this place.

It is not like I haven’t been told by many people during this time period, “Just let go”. Maybe it was the attitude, tone, or lack of understanding. Whatever the reasons, I was stubborn and took offense to these words more times than not. Today, I have begun to realize letting go meant nothing more than to stop resisting the changes that have to happen. At first I thought these changes were an evil attempt to take away the memories and life I once had.

  “But when you lose a loved one, change is going to happen. It is beyond your control and necessary in finding your way. You can no longer be who you were because you were part of something you are no longer part of. So inevitably life changes.”

   I found myself struggling with trying to hold on to what was. I was afraid of all the unknowns I was being unexpectedly cast into. All I knew is I wanted to be part of the something I had. I was not ready to be someone different and alone.

In the beginning my situation dictated giving away a lot  and moving away from the life I had been living. So in answer, I carried so many belongings symbolic of our life and love everywhere I went. I mean I had a white-knuckled death grip on all the material things I packed up to store in an 8X10 storage. This is more silly than you realize, because I had nowhere to take this stuff. However, my mind and heart  knew I had to have it.

…..

Home Sweet Home

Home an abstract concept —
A feeling swelling from within exuding peace and contentment;
It is a feeling of everything being alright in your world.

Home existed everywhere, as long as we were together —
I no longer feel home anywhere, I am lost;
A gypsy soul longing to find home again.

Home isn’t a place, but a connection –-
Where the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder, and spring smells sweeter;
It is a peaceful belonging.

Your memories are now shadows surrounding my world–
Protection for the broken painful scars as a soothing salve;
My shelter until I rebuild this place called home.

Tick Tock

​Tick tock; the clock races on…

Seasons change,

You grow older each day,

Sun rises and sets –

Time waits for no one.
Tick tock; time moves forward…

No matter what happens,

 No matter what you say,

Or how much you hurt –

Life continues around you.
Tick tock; scars begin forming…

Thoughts of yourself give rise,

 Tears cry silently in your heart,

You notice an occasional smile  –

Tick Tock, tick tock

You begin to march to your own beat.

Fossiled Memories

The sun rises and sets as time clicks forward;

I look for beauty and purpose each day –

A smile, a laugh; entwined with pain.

How long will this carry on?

When you lose a love

 it becomes a life sentence you carry in your heart always.

When broken in two,

how do you find what you have lost?

With one step,

 One moment at a time,

 our heart expands and fills up again.

Someday the broken will fuse;

the cracks held in place by new loves and passions…

Like fossils –

-memories –

 Fragile, yet very strong and forever preserved.

A small note from me to you

This week has been busy with relocating and all that goes with it. My life right now is not my own to set up, for which I am getting tired of. I am trying to secure employment, find myself, accept the changes, and be grateful for whatever I have.

Some days the faith and hope waiver as the grief and loneliness grab hold. I have discovered this process is long and arduous for me, but I am strong enough to have come this far. Loss of any kind requires a moment or two to feel the sadness, acknowledge it as you realize it’s okay to feel, and then accept it as you give it wings to set it free from your mind.

My loss began with the passing of my spouse carrying through friends who cannot deal, to ending with almost every material belonging we had. There has been some suffering on this part of my journey, but also there is discovery.

Death doesn’t wait for a more opportune time to strike or is it synchronicity of sorts? This is an odd question, but one I must ponder. I have learned I didn’t need so much stuff, memories are contained in the little things, we have to face our fears, being alone allows for changes without direct interference, and the human heart and mind are amazing . I have changed, I will continue to change, and I hope to find my new successes as a result of this healing journey.

I will again begin to finish  and create anew my writing shortly. For now, this moment is for adjusting and accepting. Until we share again – Thanks  for reading, sharing, and following.

Nowhere

To know you belong nowhere you have been and not where you are is an oddly scary feeling. Wanderlust has been my driving force in the past year. It has not offered any answers or exotic destinations though; Just a walk backward over the places I have been in the past 14 years, a subconscious effort to find what I have lost.

What I have lost is materialistic, emotional, and so much more. I am not entirely sure if I subconsciously  search for myself, my lost loved one, my spiritual beliefs, or a combination of it all. What I do know, is I hope to find what I search for and come out on the other side of the chaos whole. My path to wholeness is filled with a desire to question life, it’s reasoning, and my purpose. What else is there when your world crashes and your heart shatters into a million pieces a little over a year ago? For me,  it’s still a wanderlust… Trying to find my way out of belonging nowhere.