It’s Wonderful Being Green

A little greenish frog has been sitting at my front door for 48 hours. Alive and well, content to sit there as my puppies and I pass over the threshold at various times throughout the day. It amazed me when I saw him still there this morning, but also has me awestruck as I realized the directions my thoughts went because of one little frog’s visit.

I searched for the spiritual message of meeting up with this little guy. It’s message talked of change and transformation. A message of travelling through the change and following my intuition. And my thoughts wandered back to a prayer from last night. I had always followed ‘my gut’ and asked for trust in it once again. I have ignored it, second guessed it, and forgot it was the whispers from Divine sources recently. And my thoughts took another detour…

This time to a distant memory of a time when I was meeting with a pastor in preparation for my second marriage. His words clear in my mind. They came in response to my answers to some questions laid out like a test from school. He reviewed my answers coming to the conclusion I was just a dreamer. Oh no, my mother’s words echo in the distance. He proceeds to tell me dreaming is okay, however, I cannot live my life in a dream state always following my heart. I defend….not just my heart. He seems not to hear and continues blah, blah, blah!

Suddenly I have a thought….it was sometime directly after that incident; the collaboration of my mother’s words, that I began having anxiety. The anxiety which comes and goes from then to now was believed to be a result of my overthinking and worry. Well this morning I have a new theory! Could it be a result of me stifling my authentic self with opinions created from past experiences. Instead, have the whispers known as intuition become shouts, known as Anxiety, attempting to get my attention? The subconscious mind knowing things are not quite balanced?

An epiphany! This little visitor not only brought me answers within his message, but relief throughout my body. Painful tensions have slowly begun to ease.

Change is inevitable and it must begin with me.

I offer gratitude and pray for peace for my little green friend.

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Yin-Yang

yin-yang

So many things I have experienced;

Some I can say I never want to walk thru again.

But those moments have broadened my knowledge of what is really good.

The simplest, even smallest, things added together are grand.

Without the heart breaks and sadness….

How would I ever know what is truly good?

Another Year Goes By

I walk the line today between the past and the present. My heart is heavy laden with memories. I have taken steps toward the future while my mind drifts to the past . My heart is ‘happy/sad’ —

Happy for the Love and sad for the loss, grateful for all the memories in time and sad there are no more. It is those quiet in-between spaces which fill up with you. I gaze back to the moments in life that filled me with so much love and I can listen to your voice, but what I miss most is the touch. You can still touch so many of my senses but…..

I long to feel the physical just one more time. However, I know one more touch, one more minute, or one more day would only make me want for more. Instead, I step from those in-between spaces happy to still feel your love and presence in all the moments of today!

RIP

 

JOURNEY PAST GRIEF

The journey through grief is difficult. There are so many unknowns to navigate through. The unknowns in the first two years seemed to have encompassed the feelings of loneliness, fear, confusion, sadness, depression, and anger. What ensued after that was the not knowing. Not knowing where I was headed, who I was, or what I wanted. I found myself wishing my life didn’t have to be like this. I missed every little thing that was him and all the little ways he touched every little part of my life. All the little things made up and became the greatest parts. When one heart stops beating it ripples an entire world – past, present, and future!

I put my head down and plowed through the best I knew how. I made mistakes, fell down again, got up, dusted off, and continued forward one small step at a time. I found I could do things on my own, but belief in me is still a little shaky at times. The bigger the step the more I shudder. I have even acquired my anxiety back; mostly because I set time constraints and unwavering expectations on goals I want to accomplish or believe I should have accomplished to this point. In some instances, things just did not turn out to be as stable as I anticipated. However, pushing myself onward is the best way I know to stumble forward and discover who I am. If it works, I am grateful and if not, I am learning.

At this time I wanted to have written a piece about our love. I have gotten about half way. The ‘Dedication’ I posted already, but wanted to complete the rest before posting. However, I have found this to be a more difficult task than I originally anticipated. It is filled with a great deal of emotion and a life I am trying to sort out. It was important to me to have completed it in honor of him and his love. His anniversary is coming up this week and I always try to celebrate his life instead of his death on this day.

So new lessons to learn….

      Plans change, time is only relevant in the outside world, and creation is divinely orchestrated.

So I guess I will keep writing and take a second look at the anticipated time frame. Maybe a cliffhanger would be a new alternative……

A Dedication

I am fine!

I will live this life on my terms…

I will learn to do what I cannot,

I will enjoy all the little moments,

I will live life to its fullest,

I will never forget the memories or the love,

For each success, big or small,

I will celebrate,

And without regret

I will allow all of these to fill my heart

with gratitude throughout my journey.

In honor and gratitude for the love & strength you bestowed upon me,

The connected parts of our souls will enjoy each breathe I take.

Always…

In my heart, whispers in my mind, & part of my soul.

I Am Fine!

Kaleidoscope

 

fb_img_15476579609146347767327106600996.jpgMy blog was intended to be a documentation of a journey I began four years ago. In the course of that time, the journey has become more of a storm I have to travel through to arrive on the other side. I began by slowly taking very small steps toward somewhere. At first it was all mechanical in nature, but it eventually seemed to be taking shape as a life began to appear. I expressed a sigh of relief as I assumed I had maneuvered through the storm and noticed signs of the shoreline ahead. The assumption, I quickly discovered, was premature as I took a moment to gaze back over the obstacles I had conquered. Although victorious in so many respects, I was about to understand I was standing in the eye of the storm and would soon discover there was more work to be done.

As I wrote for this blog, I unintentionally began to visit old wounds….thoughts, beliefs, and fears. I have begun to realize not only was I burying what I did not want to deal with, but I was inadvertently burying parts of myself as well. I slowly became empty and overwhelmingly full at the same time. I am being tossed and battered by tremendous waves of my own creation.

My chaos evident in the kaleidoscope of ideas I have posted. The topics and forms are quite varied. An eclectic array of all I have been feeling and dealing with in this short time span. Each marked by its own unique beauty in some type of art form. However, I long to be directed by my muse into my own style: to find my unique niche in this world. I am slowly beginning to understand for such a forward movement to take place I need to find all parts of me. Allowing them to become fused and old ideals let go in order to transform me into who I AM. It is evidently necessary that I must become the catalyst of change if I want conquer the stormy seas.

kaleidoscope

With each turn, the kaleidoscope creates endless depictions of beauty…

I too, like the kaleidoscope, am ever changing;

The next form of beauty is just one turn away.

                                                                                                               ©sm2019