Just Surrender Already

Sometimes we land in an unfamiliar undesired territory. It is where we are and the choices, although ours, seem somewhat coerced from sources unseen. During these times we must surrender to what is and let go of what is desired.

I am here; Grateful in our new normal to have a job and a home. I am having difficulty though letting go of my vision of what I desired. My old job was not surviving the new situation with COVID. It was time to make changes. Changes I made with prayers to bring me to a good outcome. And today I am here.

Now accepting that the universe knows what it is doing is a difficult matter for me on a few levels. I am now out in a workforce surrounded, with distance, to people. I am also working hours in a job I never would have chosen when given choices. But nonetheless I have found myself in this place with those little whispers of dreams still dancing inside. It is making acceptance difficult to say the least.

Letting go is an idea I am getting an education on. The lessons are painful in varying degrees. If I would just allow the lesson maybe moving forward would come more gracefully. I am however hard headed or slow at times. Maybe even a little controlling one would say! These characteristics can be very helpful in some circumstances, but at the present moment they inflict undue stress and confusion. Knowledge is wonderful until my mind rebuttals, But!

I am fully aware with the knowledge of who I am and how I am reacting. So why do I keep ending up back at resistance. Anything less than surrender will keep my mind spinning in this cycle. As I write I know, “I know”.  And yet….

….Writing is where I go when I need my thoughts organized and not running amok in my mind. And today, once again, it holds the answers I seek. ‘Grateful’ cannot be a fleeting thought that gets swallowed up by all the contradicting thoughts in there. It must be a solid feeling, regardless of everything else.

So to me I say, “think heavily on this concept and find your way to really being grateful. Just surrender already!”

Another Day, Another Chapter

I am awake and nervous for a few reasons. Mainly because I lack confidence at the start line. The nervousness also comes from circumstances in my life right now. My job is to not let the circumstance become the object of my own self sabotage.

I finally embarked on a new job three weeks ago. It was a necessary thing for my own personal well being as well as financial. This job is with a reputable company, but not a position I have ever done or would have looked for under different circumstances. We are in the middle of a pandemic which brings enough anxiety to the table, but this position delves into the telecommunications field in a call center environment. Neither of which were on my resume until now.

The position offers a security many do not have currently. It is a security I lacked prior to any global situation. So, I am moving forward trying to muster all the confidence I know to be true within myself. Looking for my personal truths and realizing you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Yesterday ended with my little dog having issues with her left leg. She too is not as young as she once was! As I fell asleep my mind starts telling me I need to make her issue my main concern while my gut argues my training takes precedence. Although I know she needs to just rest her poor little leg and I’ll have someone check on her part way through the day my fear turns my attention away from my duties. (Insert anxiety) These bantering thoughts mixed in with recollections of the abundance of information I don’t want to forget made for a restless night.

Being aware of the sabotage gives me wisdom and strength to fight off the silly little gremlins chattering away. I must focus my attention inward. I must choose to believe in my abilities. I am excellent at customer service and I know I can learn the technology. For heavens sake, the technology was a constant conversation while my husband worked in this field for years. So why am I questioning my ability to such a job? Because silly little gremlins plant the seeds of doubt and fear. Boy, can I harvest them! So the war wages and I continue my fight for balance. It is another day and another chapter on my journey.

Keep trying and you keep winning. Quitting and giving up is the only form of failure.

Carpe diem!

I hope we all are safe, doing what we can, and enjoying the new day💕

Feeling like Spring

“Digger” Dallas
“Welcome” at the door

A little warmer today with sun shining. I feel like Spring…new season, new year cycle, new beginnings.

Started with an outside floral arrangement and a grooming for the puppy. A spring cleaning for the house…clearing out the winter doldrums. Maybe even a little bit of cobwebs out of the brain.

I know winter is not done with us quite yet, but it is a day filled with hope of new things to come.

Is Winter Coming To A Close

Dragonfly. Sm2019

I have been on hiatus in so many respects in life for a while now. In my lack of posting we know writing and photography are included. However, life has seemed to stand still in an uncomfortable slumber for the past two years.

Life would move along as it seemed to be changing and awakening. Then things and/or people would fall away again. I wondered if it would ever return to the way it was. My heart was saddened, but kept its hope.

Optimism is not always an easy task. I just take ‘my moment’ before latching onto it again. My mind chatter can be so infuriating as it spews thoughts from ages gone by. It has not learned that all thoughts are not pertinent to life today. Mind chatter wants what is familiar; truths no longer true or valuable. Please listen…I am no longer that person and these thoughts or beliefs no longer concern me.

As a winter storm finally moved across our area the tide changed. It is as if I am in an aligning cycle. The people seem different as they converse with me and I feel different. There is no anticipations in life and communication. It is, it happened, and the day was lighter; maybe even a little brighter. Maybe my long winter season is finally changing.

Whatever the case, I am back to writing and photographing a little. Even in these there are no expectations; just enjoyment. Could that be it? A step back to enjoying life as it is, on its terms.

As you read this post I hope you have an Enjoyable day.

Battle of the Seasons

As the signs of a winter storm are just memory, spring tries to push forth. But my dear, I do not think Winter is ready to leave just yet. You might be a little premature.

The seasons battle as they stand side by side trying to be victorious.

No signs of winter as the flowers stand back up to show off their color again.
The brown and drab of winter still stand their ground.
Buds open to bask in the sunshine.

LEGACY

Legacy

Since writing Love’s Saving Grace I have been on kind of hiatus when it comes to writing. I have been overwhelmed by emotion, questions, and analyzing. Basically, I imprisoned myself in my own head. My mind can be an annoying busy place where I lose my way and can’t get out. Getting lost only makes me question myself more. Oh what chaos I have created.

Memories were joyous and saddening. I catapulted myself into questioning the why’s. Why was I now alone, why did this or that happen. I wondered again if they were the reasons I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up😊. Why haven’t I found my way? This in itself reminds me of the rehashing to get to the root of my issues during therapy for anxiety. The hamster wheel is wildly spinning now.

Would writing these traumas from my youth and young adulthood serve to vacate them from my psyche? More questions follow begging to know whether I want to disrupt lives which continued on as if none of it happened and whether I want to go down this pointless road once again. I had forgiven, taking back my power, and moved forward. So, I ask myself why have I chosen to look at them one more time. Why can’t I accept that shit happens and sometimes the reasoning is irrelevant. The circumstance was the catalyst needed to direct me down my path.

In this shortened version of my venting and rambling I have done in my head and in my personal journal I have made a discovery or two. Things happen because they need to even when they seem unfair or merciless. Sometimes it’s a result of everyone having free will and we can’t control the choices they make. What we can control is our choices and they way in which we deal with things. I cannot answer why I have not accomplished what my younger self thought I would. Maybe my journey is about being a deeper better person than that person at age 14 was capable of envisioning.

Being we are each on a unique journey; mine, although different from anyone else’s, is not less important. Mine is a journey of a spiritual nature. I am learning connection to the Divine which is allowing me to learn the true meanings of wealth, abundance, and prosperity on a level surpassing familial teachings. I am not saying I am expected or want to live an impoverished life. I am saying without the experiences, whether good or bad, I would not be here getting stuck in my own head.  I would not have had the questions and chaos plotting the course I am on. I would have been on a different course and my legacy would be entirely different.  I strive for a legacy that celebrates the person not the things!

The Lights Are Dancing

The Lights Are Dancing

Shimmer and dancing

Colors of the rainbow

I see you have not gone far.

Our hearts are heavy

Your presence will be missed

I see you have not gone far.

A woman of patience

Caring and understanding;

Selfless in the way you cared for others,

The memories of you are tribute and legacy.

The smile never seemed to leave your face,

Your hair turned grey with time,

A quiet simple demeanor

With a fire smoldering

Until your strength was called to shine.

Our hearts are heavy

Your presence will be missed,

But I see you have not gone far…

Shimmering and twinkling

Colors of the rainbow

Your light is dancing.

Sm2019

*In Loving memory of a dear friend. RIP Sandy