Kaleidoscope

 

fb_img_15476579609146347767327106600996.jpgMy blog was intended to be a documentation of a journey I began four years ago. In the course of that time, the journey has become more of a storm I have to travel through to arrive on the other side. I began by slowly taking very small steps toward somewhere. At first it was all mechanical in nature, but it eventually seemed to be taking shape as a life began to appear. I expressed a sigh of relief as I assumed I had maneuvered through the storm and noticed signs of the shoreline ahead. The assumption, I quickly discovered, was premature as I took a moment to gaze back over the obstacles I had conquered. Although victorious in so many respects, I was about to understand I was standing in the eye of the storm and would soon discover there was more work to be done.

As I wrote for this blog, I unintentionally began to visit old wounds….thoughts, beliefs, and fears. I have begun to realize not only was I burying what I did not want to deal with, but I was inadvertently burying parts of myself as well. I slowly became empty and overwhelmingly full at the same time. I am being tossed and battered by tremendous waves of my own creation.

My chaos evident in the kaleidoscope of ideas I have posted. The topics and forms are quite varied. An eclectic array of all I have been feeling and dealing with in this short time span. Each marked by its own unique beauty in some type of art form. However, I long to be directed by my muse into my own style: to find my unique niche in this world. I am slowly beginning to understand for such a forward movement to take place I need to find all parts of me. Allowing them to become fused and old ideals let go in order to transform me into who I AM. It is evidently necessary that I must become the catalyst of change if I want conquer the stormy seas.

kaleidoscope

With each turn, the kaleidoscope creates endless depictions of beauty…

I too, like the kaleidoscope, am ever changing;

The next form of beauty is just one turn away.

                                                                                                               ©sm2019

Go Into The Night By Your Guiding Light

In the dark recesses of the mind are the answers and confusions. The truths hidden in the darkest shadows where life struggles to shine, whereas the confusions have light cast upon them readily available to be brought forth as truth in disguise. Our truths have been buried by words and experiences throughout our lives. We tend to see the light on the easiest path to attain; by being agreeable and malleable to what others say, what others expect, and the consequences of how we handle situations because of these.

It is our job to be sure we see the real truths and not those disguises. To question what we know in the silent moments of the night; a time when it is just ourselves and the world is sleeping. Search… search for you, let the light of your soul show you the truths and quiet the ego.

Journey Onward

Life is an unconscious journey we are on the whole time we are on earth. Yet there are moments, happy or sad, which fling us into a conscious adventure discovering who we really are now. We must ask hard questions of our-self, face our fears, question our core beliefs, and learn to love ourselves once again. Saddle up, hold on to the reigns, and enjoy the ride. This is part of the journey meant for discovery – who, what, where, when, and why.

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A Clock’s Tale

Meditation for me is a loose interpretation of an activity I do to quiet my mind. It is a time when I sit focusing on my breathing while I try to corral my thoughts, barring them from my conscious mind. In the moments when I try to be still, my thoughts run around with the energy of young children whose pleasure is found in pushing to always becoming the center of my focus. Today, I actually held my ground for about ten minutes and that is when I found this place. It was not a happy place nor was it a place of fear. It was….unusual and insightful.

Clocks and time ticking away insistent on time keeping. A constant somewhat bothersome reminder of time marching on. I do not remember a detailed vision of this place, but more a knowing of what existed there. It was neither dark nor light there. I felt at ease when I entered and again when I left. Somewhere in the middle though was the realization that I unconsciously, and somewhat obsessively,  keep track of marching time in my mind. Realization was the open door my thoughts used to pull me away and they interrupted my peace. They began to spin a tale of ‘clock watching’ accompanied by the theory of being ‘not enough’. Abundant self-criticism filled my own mind.

My life in the eyes of my ego expressing the amount of time wasted on intentions without success, the lack of a clear career path, wasted moments living in a dream world, (ugh, even my mother’s words are here) the lack of material things and status, and of course the lack of secured future finances. They take me to feelings of inadequacies……I turn to commanding the barrage to stop. “Enough, just stop!” I turn to breathing through and away from the thoughts, calming myself.

I do not wish to stop thinking, but need a more orderly process so I can acknowledge the place I had been and all this mind chatter. I had a very real sense time was running out of the hour glass; Only to realize I was worried about time which could still take 30 or 40 years to run out. Even though I have seen a little more than 50 years pass by, I was seeing the glass half empty.

As I took control of the thoughts one at a time,  I realized the place I found was an answer to the unexplained anxiety attacks I have occassionally. I was living in a future at the end of my time. An end I have no business knowing about and doesn’t concern me even if its tomorrow. What does concern me is what I do with the in between time; each present moment.

In retrospect, the clock is obsolete in the larger scheme of life. Its only value is in the societal world of schedules and marked passages. Life is not the ticking of time. It’s a measure of experiences… teaching, maturing, loving, and transforming a soul.

Ten minutes of silence transports the soul and occassionally a story is told…..a clock’s tale teaching me I must stop listening to the tick of time to be the best me in this moment.