Another Year Goes By

I walk the line today between the past and the present. My heart is heavy laden with memories. I have taken steps toward the future while my mind drifts to the past . My heart is ‘happy/sad’ —

Happy for the Love and sad for the loss, grateful for all the memories in time and sad there are no more. It is those quiet in-between spaces which fill up with you. I gaze back to the moments in life that filled me with so much love and I can listen to your voice, but what I miss most is the touch. You can still touch so many of my senses but…..

I long to feel the physical just one more time. However, I know one more touch, one more minute, or one more day would only make me want for more. Instead, I step from those in-between spaces happy to still feel your love and presence in all the moments of today!

RIP

 

A Dedication

I am fine!

I will live this life on my terms…

I will learn to do what I cannot,

I will enjoy all the little moments,

I will live life to its fullest,

I will never forget the memories or the love,

For each success, big or small,

I will celebrate,

And without regret

I will allow all of these to fill my heart

with gratitude throughout my journey.

In honor and gratitude for the love & strength you bestowed upon me,

The connected parts of our souls will enjoy each breathe I take.

Always…

In my heart, whispers in my mind, & part of my soul.

I Am Fine!

A Clock’s Tale

Meditation for me is a loose interpretation of an activity I do to quiet my mind. It is a time when I sit focusing on my breathing while I try to corral my thoughts, barring them from my conscious mind. In the moments when I try to be still, my thoughts run around with the energy of young children whose pleasure is found in pushing to always becoming the center of my focus. Today, I actually held my ground for about ten minutes and that is when I found this place. It was not a happy place nor was it a place of fear. It was….unusual and insightful.

Clocks and time ticking away insistent on time keeping. A constant somewhat bothersome reminder of time marching on. I do not remember a detailed vision of this place, but more a knowing of what existed there. It was neither dark nor light there. I felt at ease when I entered and again when I left. Somewhere in the middle though was the realization that I unconsciously, and somewhat obsessively,  keep track of marching time in my mind. Realization was the open door my thoughts used to pull me away and they interrupted my peace. They began to spin a tale of ‘clock watching’ accompanied by the theory of being ‘not enough’. Abundant self-criticism filled my own mind.

My life in the eyes of my ego expressing the amount of time wasted on intentions without success, the lack of a clear career path, wasted moments living in a dream world, (ugh, even my mother’s words are here) the lack of material things and status, and of course the lack of secured future finances. They take me to feelings of inadequacies……I turn to commanding the barrage to stop. “Enough, just stop!” I turn to breathing through and away from the thoughts, calming myself.

I do not wish to stop thinking, but need a more orderly process so I can acknowledge the place I had been and all this mind chatter. I had a very real sense time was running out of the hour glass; Only to realize I was worried about time which could still take 30 or 40 years to run out. Even though I have seen a little more than 50 years pass by, I was seeing the glass half empty.

As I took control of the thoughts one at a time,  I realized the place I found was an answer to the unexplained anxiety attacks I have occassionally. I was living in a future at the end of my time. An end I have no business knowing about and doesn’t concern me even if its tomorrow. What does concern me is what I do with the in between time; each present moment.

In retrospect, the clock is obsolete in the larger scheme of life. Its only value is in the societal world of schedules and marked passages. Life is not the ticking of time. It’s a measure of experiences… teaching, maturing, loving, and transforming a soul.

Ten minutes of silence transports the soul and occassionally a story is told…..a clock’s tale teaching me I must stop listening to the tick of time to be the best me in this moment.

 

 

I am still here

I have been silent for a while dealing with life. During that time I wrote a short story in anticipation of entering a contest. However, the powers that be decided I wasn’t to do that right then. The submission did not go through and shredded the story into piecemeal, but I decided it needed to be written and shared regardless.

This is my first attempt at writing a story. The contest wrote the first and last paragraph requiring the writer to write 48 paragraphs to complete the story with no dialogue. I decided to follow the original instructions and post it here.

Once it is posted, I would be grateful to anyone who can offer constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy the story as much as I found pleasure in writing it.

It’s  In The Journey

My journey has not been the one I planned growing up. Influences and experiences had taken away the innocence of childhood early on. This altered my beliefs for most of my life. Maybe this endless mind chatter is why I  have had one dream I have not followed through with, but remains the one constantly returning passion in my life.

All else has sprouted and withered in short expanses of time. Some have accused me of being a dreamer with more dream than motivation. I have been referred to as irresponsible, flighty, and indecisive. These accusations may or may not have been true at various moments. However, I have always moved forward in some fashion or another; overcoming obstacles and finding happiness throughout my journey.  It has not been all roses, but in hindsight I realize that each speed bump or sink hole helped me traverse the next set of obstacles.

“This journey I am presently on is probably all his fault.” I caution you not to read into that statement because I don’t look to lie blame here, only gratitude of sorts. Even stating this has taken it’s time in getting from my heart onto paper. It was rose from suffering a lose I didn’t think I was prepared for. I lost my husband, Pete, and remained numb for the first year. Slowly I found myself beginning to feel again. Sometimes too much as every emotion at once would overwhelm me and escape in wrenching  sobs. It was in such moments every part of who I was was released. The past now stares me in the face while the future is a blank.

Consciously I search for truths every moment; forcing myself to draw confidence, awareness, inspiration, beliefs, and self-love from what I know to be true not what I have allowed myself to believe is true. In the negative space I find a person created by outside influences and opinions. In the positive, I find an authentic me; The one that shines for the world to see, not the one who conforms to it. Which wolf will I feed?

Remaining in positive space changes my thoughts. I will think less about outcomes because all is well in the moment. Not obsessing over the small stuff stops the mountain of stress I create for myself. My world shifts and happiness is found within me. Here in this change is where I will find an authentic existence. I have decided this is the one I want to continually feed.

I began this part of my journey questioning everything and criticizing every aspect of who I was until I no longer knew me or the world I found myself in. Memories and pain from my childhood to the present overwhelmed my senses as I remembered the molestation, not fitting in, domestic violence,  being a family’s outcast, and finally the lose of my best friend. In all this, I realized I would never be who I am supposed to be if I allow these things to rule my thoughts and beliefs. So because divine timing took Pete away so early, I now have the chance of finding me and keeping my power.

I discovered everything in life is duality; Yin and yang, 2 sides to every coin, heaven and hell, positive and negative. So I begin by acknowledging both sides of my thinking and my actions. First, I ask myself, “where do I give power away”… I overthink my situation, I cling to outcomes, I fear being lonely for the rest of my life and I criticize my choices. Secondly I ask myself, “what are my successes.” They are found looking at the love I have had, the successful children I have raised, and the strengths it took me to get to today. I know it is not in the details or the why of my experiences that I find answers. They lie in whether I allow them to negatively or positively influence my life from now on.

The lessons of experiencing began before I knew there where lessons to be learned; at the moment I entered the world. I joke about having done things backward and without patience since the day of my birth. I tried to enter this world feet first, and instead was slowed down. I remained in traction for a month with a broken hip as a result of my breach birth. Yes, I am a little hard-headed and have yet to master the art of patience. Alternately, I have allowed some of my experiences to skew my thoughts and bury me under mounds of stress. Now I find myself looking back to the earlier chapters of my life so I can re-write my truth in the upcoming chapters.