JOURNEY PAST GRIEF

The journey through grief is difficult. There are so many unknowns to navigate through. The unknowns in the first two years seemed to have encompassed the feelings of loneliness, fear, confusion, sadness, depression, and anger. What ensued after that was the not knowing. Not knowing where I was headed, who I was, or what I wanted. I found myself wishing my life didn’t have to be like this. I missed every little thing that was him and all the little ways he touched every little part of my life. All the little things made up and became the greatest parts. When one heart stops beating it ripples an entire world – past, present, and future!

I put my head down and plowed through the best I knew how. I made mistakes, fell down again, got up, dusted off, and continued forward one small step at a time. I found I could do things on my own, but belief in me is still a little shaky at times. The bigger the step the more I shudder. I have even acquired my anxiety back; mostly because I set time constraints and unwavering expectations on goals I want to accomplish or believe I should have accomplished to this point. In some instances, things just did not turn out to be as stable as I anticipated. However, pushing myself onward is the best way I know to stumble forward and discover who I am. If it works, I am grateful and if not, I am learning.

At this time I wanted to have written a piece about our love. I have gotten about half way. The ‘Dedication’ I posted already, but wanted to complete the rest before posting. However, I have found this to be a more difficult task than I originally anticipated. It is filled with a great deal of emotion and a life I am trying to sort out. It was important to me to have completed it in honor of him and his love. His anniversary is coming up this week and I always try to celebrate his life instead of his death on this day.

So new lessons to learn….

      Plans change, time is only relevant in the outside world, and creation is divinely orchestrated.

So I guess I will keep writing and take a second look at the anticipated time frame. Maybe a cliffhanger would be a new alternative……

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A Dedication

I am fine!

I will live this life on my terms…

I will learn to do what I cannot,

I will enjoy all the little moments,

I will live life to its fullest,

I will never forget the memories or the love,

For each success, big or small,

I will celebrate,

And without regret

I will allow all of these to fill my heart

with gratitude throughout my journey.

In honor and gratitude for the love & strength you bestowed upon me,

The connected parts of our souls will enjoy each breathe I take.

Always…

In my heart, whispers in my mind, & part of my soul.

I Am Fine!

Home Sweet Home

Home an abstract concept —
A feeling swelling from within exuding peace and contentment;
It is a feeling of everything being alright in your world.

Home existed everywhere, as long as we were together —
I no longer feel home anywhere, I am lost;
A gypsy soul longing to find home again.

Home isn’t a place, but a connection –-
Where the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder, and spring smells sweeter;
It is a peaceful belonging.

Your memories are now shadows surrounding my world–
Protection for the broken painful scars as a soothing salve;
My shelter until I rebuild this place called home.

A small note from me to you

This week has been busy with relocating and all that goes with it. My life right now is not my own to set up, for which I am getting tired of. I am trying to secure employment, find myself, accept the changes, and be grateful for whatever I have.

Some days the faith and hope waiver as the grief and loneliness grab hold. I have discovered this process is long and arduous for me, but I am strong enough to have come this far. Loss of any kind requires a moment or two to feel the sadness, acknowledge it as you realize it’s okay to feel, and then accept it as you give it wings to set it free from your mind.

My loss began with the passing of my spouse carrying through friends who cannot deal, to ending with almost every material belonging we had. There has been some suffering on this part of my journey, but also there is discovery.

Death doesn’t wait for a more opportune time to strike or is it synchronicity of sorts? This is an odd question, but one I must ponder. I have learned I didn’t need so much stuff, memories are contained in the little things, we have to face our fears, being alone allows for changes without direct interference, and the human heart and mind are amazing . I have changed, I will continue to change, and I hope to find my new successes as a result of this healing journey.

I will again begin to finish  and create anew my writing shortly. For now, this moment is for adjusting and accepting. Until we share again – Thanks  for reading, sharing, and following.

Nowhere

To know you belong nowhere you have been and not where you are is an oddly scary feeling. Wanderlust has been my driving force in the past year. It has not offered any answers or exotic destinations though; Just a walk backward over the places I have been in the past 14 years, a subconscious effort to find what I have lost.

What I have lost is materialistic, emotional, and so much more. I am not entirely sure if I subconsciously  search for myself, my lost loved one, my spiritual beliefs, or a combination of it all. What I do know, is I hope to find what I search for and come out on the other side of the chaos whole. My path to wholeness is filled with a desire to question life, it’s reasoning, and my purpose. What else is there when your world crashes and your heart shatters into a million pieces a little over a year ago? For me,  it’s still a wanderlust… Trying to find my way out of belonging nowhere.