Attempt or be Tempted

I am tempted…

 to lie in bed and never let the sun shine down on me,

 to never again look up to the heavens and wish upon a star,

 to waste away the days wishing I could once again hold  you,

 to forever wallow in self pity,

 to let life pass right on by.

But life is a tapestry

of what we have done,

of where we have been.

I must  attempt…

To live,

To love,

To remember the beauty your love brought to my life,

To show off the golden threads woven into my tapestry.

Just A Wedding


This weekend I went to a wedding. Upon my arrival I began to notice the grounds, the architecture, the hor d’oeuvres, and the decor. The atmosphere was one of a rustic simplicity with a welcoming attitude. As a photographer my eyes wander to find the perfect backdrops and lighting but, as  a writer I listen to everything around me. I heard discussions of  the last minute details,  a rehearsal of a poem with the right volume of classical music in the background, and of course the “awe” of new guests as they enter.

What did distract me from my little world was one of the grooms discussing a hurtful interaction from the night before. This was not a typical wedding in a traditional sense. This was a same sex wedding between a gay couple. Not just any couple, but two men who have loved each other for 15 years. Like any long term relationship, they have had good times and bad. They have laughed and cried on their journey to becoming two people with one soul. Yet, for them love has a different dimension that society still holds taboo.

Same sex marriages have not begun to bridge the gap like marriages of different ethnicities or religions. Anything seemingly different tends to take society years to accept. If we ever truly do! The conversation caught my attention because this was not the first time I have heard it recently. It is a subject in which the people in your life act as though they support who you are just as you are. Yet, when the time comes and who you really are becomes public knowledge, you hear excuses or worse yet, you encounter an abandonment. This topic regarding who we choose to love amazes me. It’s a matter of how family and/or friends seem to accept love at face value until it comes time to publicly announce that love. In a traditional love situation, it’s just a matter of whether the person is suitable to love this person whom we love. In a non-traditional love situation, we begin to hear close minded excuses.

Excuses range from being a simple choice to a divine violation of a religious standard. Any excuse will do as long as it proves what makes us, as a whole, feel uncomfortable is actually contemptable. What is it about human nature that requires us to view differences as obstacles to be dismissed? Why do we feel we need a mundane sameness throughout humanity instead of a uniqueness? Yet everywhere you look, talk, write, or think you are being taught each of us is unique unto ourselves. So maybe it’s time we discover a new perspective on love.

What is love? In my opinion love in general is an acceptance of an individual  with all their faults, strengths, and uniqueness. Love comes in about as many sizes, shapes, and colors as each person on earth. The love we are discussing here is the one more intimate in nature although it’s substance can vary just as widely. In the most basic sense, true love binds two hearts together with a desire of both parties to journey through life connected by their souls. (A soul being a source of light, love, and the essence of every living thing) It is a willing choice to work through problems and differences while dedicating happiness and happy outcomes to memory. So where in all the excuses does it state true love has boundaries or the soul is less pure than unconditional love?

Although not an expert on religious matters, my experiences with some religions taught me that God tells us to love everyone not just certain ones. I remember stories in the old testament when a barren woman’s husband was allowed to bed another to procreate yet, we are commanded not to commit adultery or fornication. Are these translations of laws or are they examples set forth for us to better understand and respect love of ourselves and others? Should we question when two people have found this gift of love or should we look deeper for the meaning which escapes our knowledge? Love is a beautiful divine gift given from the heart. Being that you cannot make someone unconditionally love you; It can only be found when two people have a shared spark, connection, understanding, empathy, and determination for each other.

Over 15 years this couple (and many others) has proven they have found what so many only wish they could. I am happy for them and even happier that the differences of the previous evening had been resolved. Everyone present and accounted for at this very beautiful touching wedding! This is the second time I have been made aware of a bridge shortening the gap between discomfort and acceptance…maybe there is hope of us learning to love and respect that we are internally the same with outward differences.

Invisibility – My Super Power


The realization of this power I created came when I was told,”You are 50-something and lost who you are somewhere. You forgot what you like or want.”  This statement hit me like a punch to the face.”I know who I am!!!” Don’t I?

So I reflect:

I have been labeled wife, mother, friend, photographer, and writer amongst other fleeting titles. Lately, I have been labelled ‘tiring’ at best. None have gained me fame and/or fortune. However, they did allow me to learn from the duality inevitable in life. All the memories, people, and experiences continually give me the chance to learn happiness/sadness, love/longing, family/loss, birth/death, and gratefulness/criticism. I am like anyone else, resenting for a time when things go wrong or I have to suffer. However, if I am to be completely honest, I did learn, grow, and become stronger. And once I am through each situation good or bad I have no regrets about my life. Well except after such I statement…it caused me to reflect and maybe have some doubts about my acceptances in life.

Life lived in the shadows was never how I intended myself to be. Yet, from where I stand now my perception may be changing. I am not saying that I regret decisions of putting my family and friends’ needs above my own because I do not. I accepted and rather enjoyed taking care of others over the years. I do think maybe I should have had more balance between their care and self care.

But I question:

A person commented recently ‘how much more I did for so and so than I did for them at the same sort of event’…well are you not able to see that your event took place two months after my spouse’s death as opposed to the fourteenth month mark now upon me?  Why must I always initiate contact to be noticed? Why is it so difficult for others to realize I may need a hand to hold as I venture into doing things whether they are new or old? I understand the discomfort my tears can cause. Doesn’t a true friend accept a little discomfort and cry with a friend? I may need patience but so do you. This is a strange new world I am standing in, regardless whether you think it is the same old one.

And the results:

Recent circumstances have me requiring the need for support and comfort from others. In fairness, I must stop here to explain, I remain forever grateful to those people who have been present in assisting me with basic needs, wandering arrangements, and financial assistance. At the present moment however, I require something more. More than “It will get better or you must get over it”.

Invisibility…Maybe it is a super power after all. It has taught me about balance and the need for self first. Who says you cannot teach an old dog new tricks? I am here to tell you to learn the importance of balancing others’ needs with those of your own early in life early because teaching that old dog requires a lot more effort than the young pup.

Time Inside Out


Time continues on as it always will…

except for me, it seems to be moving in some kind of a strange time warp. I am aware of time passing day to night but, my heart and mind are stuck in a day almost fifteen months ago. A day which is a reminder of all the things I miss so much and am forever grateful for – my husband, Pete, told me one last time “I love you” before he suddenly passed on, my world stood still, I found myself alone, and  time turned inside out.

In my outer world time moves forward with days turning to night and then dawning anew. With each new dawn, I may find myself back in the midst of the hurricane’s turbulent waves coming one after another. Somehow though, I have learned the ability to steer thru most of these storms unless I am caught off guard by an occasional popup storm that hits out of no where. It is because Time is a teacher that I have learned I can dance through the storms! I may look like a clown on the dance floor but, I am capable of dancing through this strange new life. Yet my mind has a time all of its own; it’s my inside time.

Inside time keeps that fateful day close in my mind. When I think about it it seems impossible that so much time has already passed. I have put things in somewhat of an order as I aimlessly wandered trying to find the life I fit into. Hell, I still do not even know who I really am, what I want, or  what I like anymore. Pete’s passing shattered my world into a million pieces and it sometimes feels like it was just yesterday. With the details of that night, him, and all the things I lost still clear in my mind- I cannot comprehend how so much time has passed. (Those memories are more clear than some of the recollections of these past months!) I never thought the grief process would unravel everything  and consume so much time in putting me back together.

Time has moved on around me nonetheless. It continues on whether we are here or there and with it comes change. Regardless of how sensitive I am to it now change is inevitable and necessary.  It is my acceptance of each that determines how well I will adjust. For now, I guess I need time inside out so I can slowly discover my new world as a changed person with passions new and old mixed.